Finally we talked

After a sleepless night I sent him the following message: “I’m feeling really sad.  Last night when you said I should get a life, that really hurt. I know you are really busy but I need you to know this”.  Part of his response was: “No silly me cos I’m always busy with my kids”.

For a few minutes I did not know how to respond to that.  It was not one of the possibilities going through my head at 3 am.  A stupid typo!  He’s done that before and I guess if I had been in a better place at the time then I would have recognised the possibility and said something.  Eventually I went with: “I don’t know what to say now.  I took it to mean you were jokingly suggesting I needed to get a life and got really upset.”  Him: “I’m sorry u got upset I would never want to upset u.”

The conversation moved onto the fact that I probably responded badly because his messages had slowed and I was feeling insecure and stressed as a result.  He said he felt sad when he didn’t hear from me and that I should message him if don’t hear from him.  Which is fair.  (There was the question of why I’m always waiting on him for messages.)  Over the last few days we have had a few good chats.  Which reminds me, if I don’t hear from him this evening I must send a nice emoticon before bed.

I’m feeling more optimistic that I have done for a few weeks.  We faced our first real challenge, around communication, and I feel like we solved it in a positive and optimistic way.  In the grand scheme of things this is a relatively minor issue but if we can deal with this there is hope we will cope when bigger problems arise.

And then he made me cry

I’m sure he didn’t mean to.  It was a thoughtless, stupid comment.  I have mentioned other insecurities about my life and his comment went right to the heart of that.  Maybe I should have said something but it took a while for me to fully realise how much it hurt.  I cried all the way home.  I even turned away my sister’s youngest because I could not cope with having her or put on a brave face.  I have done too much of that lately.

We were talking about our plans for the weekend.  His is busy and mine is quiet.  He suggested that rather than his being too busy that it was me that needed to get a life.

This is something that has been troubling me for a while and is one reason I get grumpy when my sister asks me to babysit.  I hid behind online gaming for ages, then the relationship with Guy 0.  I had hoped to find more time to focus on my sport this year but it is starting to look like the club is dying a death.  I’m thinking of moving closer to work but that too brings some financial challenges and may not be enough.  I thought perhaps online dating would help because it would provide an opportunity to get out and meet new people.

I can’t let this comment go.  The thoughtless nature makes me wonder if he can ever really understand how tough the last few weeks have been.  Perhaps I have been too quick to accept that he is just busy, while trying to hard to be supportive and understanding.  There is something selfish about sending loads of messages when you are bored and have, time then stopping completely because you are busy.  In fact the stop-start nature could well be a calculated and manipulative stunt.

I was thinking that when things have calmed down for him we would be able to discuss how the unpredictable nature of his messaging affects me so that we can find a better way.  But this throwaway comments suggests that my friendly attempts to let him know that his lack of messaging bothers me are not working.  Is he really stupid enough to think that his current pattern of messaging is OK?

I don’t think I can ignore this comment and wait patiently for the off-chance his work will get quieter.  I just need to figure out how to approach this issue.  I’m still hoping he is the man I think he is, in which case I want this to work.  I guess that is another reason his comment hurts so much.  Will need try and get him to understand how I’m feeling in an open an honest way.  But I think that right now I will have a few drinks, some food, overindulge in something a bit naughty and then hopefully tomorrow I can figure out how to approach this.


Trying to be thoughtful

Lol.  So maybe I was in a bad mood yesterday.  While not hearing from Import-Export guy was one reason it was not the only reason I was frustrated and angry yesterday.  (Ssssh, we won’t mention that I’m turning 40 soon).  So a brief update after yesterday’s blog I send him an ice-cream emoticon.  Maybe 20 mins later he replied to ask how I am and that he is still crazy busy.  I responded by saying I was missing hearing from him, understood he was busy and tried to make the point that a quick message to say he was crazy busy was much more appreciated than loads of messages during the day.  He said that we would talk to day but I’m still waiting.

So now I’m back to the ongoing question of what to do about the situation.  Our relationship so new and fragile that it is difficult to know what to do or what I should reasonably expect.  I badly want to see him again and talk to him.  But let’s just pause for a second.  He is currently trying to make sure that product is produced, shipped and in the stores by Christmas.  That is a huge task.  Thinking back to project I co-ordinated recently, the frantic rush to finish my work and make sure everyone else was doing what I needed them to.  I was so stressed I ended up with these funny dry patches of skin.  You can think about much more than getting the project done with less urgent things being put off.

Perhaps I am getting too caught up with overanalysing and my own insecurities.  I like this guy and I’m sure he likes me.  He is probably so busy he can’t think about anything else right now.  I don’t want to be one of these neurotic woman making unreasonable demands till things crumble.  Although this does need to be balanced against being valued and respected.  I want to be a source of joy and not stress.  Plus there is the other question of why do I keep waiting for him to message me?

So for now I need to be patient and trust that it will be worth it.  Now what emoticon should I send today?

Is a daily ‘hello’ too much to ask?

It is a week since Import-export guy returned from China and right now I am seriously considering dumping him and resuming the search.  The idea fills me with immense sadness but I need to be realistic about how this is going.  In my last post I wrote about how good I was starting to feel.  And now a week later I am back to the nervous, irritable person who keeps checking her phone for messages.  Nothing yesterday and starting to look like there will be nothing again today.  When I start thinking ‘dammit only a message from my sister’ I seriously need to consider where my head is.

The other challenge right now is that we met online and have so far managed only one date.  This means I cannot help thinking that he might be lying to me or playing some other questionable manipulative game.  Last week he simply announced that he was back, then happily resumed messaging including asking if I had missed him.  I realised afterwards that I was surprisingly relieved, probably because I had been trying hard to convince myself he was just busy.  Most of the time I would say I believe him but for some reason today I’m struggling with that.

Assuming he is being honest with me then this relationship has a lot of potential (lol, no irony or contradiction intended).  Ironically at the start it was me thinking in a more short term way.  I enjoyed chatting to him and that was enough (One reason his silence is so difficult for me).  He was the one that got me thinking about the long term and wanting more.  Then on Monday he was talking about needing a holiday and that we should have a weekend away (right now I’d settle for a dinner date).  He also said something else that I think is really nice.  Taken out of context it sounds a little creepy though.  We were trading a few naughty messages and unprompted he added that he wanted all of me, personality and mind too.

I think the real issue right now is communication.  The whole time he was in China I was concerned that he might not have found time to let me know he was going.  The reason for this is that after nearly 2 days of silence I sent him a kissy emoji (I did consider a sad face).  He replied fairly quickly to say he was really busy and there was a last minute trip to China the following day.  Of course I spent the whole week thinking: ‘What if I hadn’t sent the emoji’, ‘What if I had decided to wait another day’.  So when the conversation allowed I mentioned this concern.  Response:  “But I told you I was going”.   I guess you can’t fault male logic.

I can’t help smiling at the idea of sending him a message saying: ‘no messages for two days, not good enough, it’s over’.  Seriously though dumping someone when they are clearly very busy because they can’t find much time for me seems a bit extreme and shitty.  Especially as I’m sure he does not know how I’m feeling right now.  Realistically I need him to know that I need him to check in at least once per day.  I know he is busy and work is important.  All I’m asking for is a single message or an emoticon.  I have always valued his short, I’m busy, messages much more than days of complements and flirting.  Now to do something about letting him know in a confident and assertive way.

A time for healing

Import-export guy has been in China for business for the last week so I have not heard from him for a while.  He has not even read my “Safe Trip” message.  Ironically this has been good for me.  I needed time to relax and reflect on recent events.

But first a story which might provide some insights.  This is about a boy I dated many years ago while still in high school. It might seem strange I mention someone from that far back but I met him through my sister and he is still a friend of the family.  Mostly I agreed to go out with him because he asked me.  He is a nice guy and I had enjoyed some of the conversations we had, so it seemed like a good idea.  I remember one time we kissed and he thought it was amazing, I let him continue out of curiosity but frankly, I was bored.  Then I spent a few days away from home learning more about career opportunities in engineering and decided that I would prefer being free and single, so I ended it.  It is only now that I see how his life has developed and the woman he married that I understand why I felt suffocated.  She is a qualified nursery nurse while I have a PhD in Engineering.  She was terribly proud to have a husband to support her so she did not have to work while I have been called stubbornly independent.  She shares those very proud mum and wife posts on facebook that have me reaching for a bucket.  The idea of living such a conventional life fills me with horror.

I’m not sure exactly how or why but during this week I have been reminded of that person who can enjoy life without a man.  After the break-up I was on a mission to replace Guy 0, which has mostly involved random chats, mostly with questionable men and which inspired this blog.  Import-export guy came into my life shortly after I returned to South Africa.  At a time when I was trying to get back into work and worrying about the removal of my wisdom teeth he brightened each day.  I wrote the “Open Letter” post shortly after his messages slowed.  This post really did help me to express my anger and move on.  Then this week I accepted there would be no messages, focused on work without Import-export guy to brighten each day and finally finished something I’ve been working on for a year.  In doing so I rediscovered confident, happy me who does not need a man (although it will be nice to have one).



Trying to be Patient

Today marks 8 weeks since I started talking to Import-Export guy and things are moving so slowly.  So far still just the one date.  It seems this is a busy time of year for his work and it is also school holidays.  So now is starting to feel like a test of my patience and commitment.

Over the last week or two the messages have slowed dramatically because he is so busy.  Take Friday for example.  Him: ‘Crazy busy today.  Will message when I can.’ Me: ‘Hoping you can find time’. Him: ‘Me too’.  Let’s be clear I believe him when he says he is busy.  The frustrating thing is that I miss hearing from him and it means there is time for doubts to start creeping in.  I start to consider if there is really a place for me in his life.  Will I have to accept him finding the odd bit of time when he can?  Do I want to?  Rather ironic from the person who was initially scared to meet (the wisdom teeth op got me more time), was happy single because that way I can do what I want and have even been known to dump guys because I feel suffocated.

I heard nothing from him all weekend but he does seem to go completely offline when is with is kids, which is how it should be.  Still, how long does it take to say hi?  On Monday morning he messaged to say it had been a crazy weekend with the kids.  I told him I had missed hearing from him and the response was that he missed me too.  Then later he messaged me to say that he was finally starting to get somewhere with work, the kids are back at school next week and things should be a bit calmer.  He made it clear he too was looking forward to meeting again.

In fact he has already said he thinks may this may have long term potential.  Only 8 weeks and getting through a day without hearing from him is tough and I can’t wait to see him again.  I even find I work better when I hear from him regularly during the day.  So it seems for now I need to be patient and trust that once he gets past this busy patch things will improve.  With time I’m sure we will get better at finding times to meet and ways to communicate when he is busy.


I recently found out that there is a dating app called “DaddyHunt”?  Second Favourite Guy (see 14 June) has been telling me about it and if you think it sounds disturbing then you are on the right track.

It seems that Second Favourite Guy has moved on from well hung muscle men at the gym.  He took a friend’s advice and downloaded some gay dating apps.  As the name suggests this app allows young men to look for older men to act as their “Daddy” in questionable incestuous sexual role play.  I had never stopped to consider that such a fetish may exist and that there is sufficient interest for online communities. (I’m assuming all users of the app are consenting adults.)  He has already had a few encounters and thoughts of how bad such behaviour is, is really turning him on.   The first guy he found to role play as “Daddy” was about 35 years older than him.

The conversation then moved onto next time he goes home.  He was considering how the word “Daddy” now has a completely different meaning to him and he was going to have to avoid using it.  Anyway he did actually go and stay with his Dad recently.  While he was looking for something in his Dad’s room, he found a box of sex toys.  I should probably add that his parents have been divorced for, I think 20 yrs.  He did not explain properly, right away, but yes, he used one of his Dad’s dildos and loved it.  He even shared this information on “DaddyHunt” is seems all the Daddy’s loved it and thought that was really hot.  OMG.

It seems like every time I talk to Second Favourite Guy the story has got more disturbing as he comes to terms with his sexuality and starts exploring his newly discovered fetishes.  As an observer I continue to find his story very entertaining and in some ways it is interesting to see how people get into weird sexual fetishes.  At the same time I can’t help feeling scared that the next instalment will be even more disturbing.




An Open letter to the ex

Dear Guy 0

The abrupt way you ended things mean that there are still so many things I never got the chance to say.  Now with a new guy on the scene part of me really wants to gloat and say how amazing it is.

Your initial message was so short and unclear, probably the reason I was in denial longer than I should have been.  For ages I hoped there had been a terrible misunderstanding especially because you tried to say good night as usual.  Did you really think you could tell me you had met someone else and things would continue more or less as before?  “Hooked up” generally means something a lot less serious and given the distance between us I may have forgiven the odd transgression.  But you ignored my message the following day to try and clarify things.  It took you 5 days to say “I’m Sorry” and then only because I told you I was leaving the game (I met Guy 0 through online gaming). I never replied because I did not know what to say. Did you think I was bluffing?  OK, I was kinda hoping you would try and convince me to stay.

I still have so many unanswered questions: Who is she? How did you meet?  Why did you choose her?  But most important of all: Why were you even looking at another woman so close to my visit?  You said you were happy to wait, you were counting down the weeks and even procrastinating with a job interview.  You encouraged me to come earlier and offered to pay half for the tickets.  Perhaps me ignoring your questions about the money damaged things in your mind.  Maybe I should have explained that I was not sure about taking your money and I was busy trying to sort my UK bank account.  Perhaps I should have taken your money.  I would only have used it for expenses while I was in the UK and you would have had to bear some of the financial burden of my visit. But I did not want a financial transaction to complicate things between us.

It hurts when I think that while I was busy making last minute arrangements for the trip you were with the new woman.  You said you hooked up a couple of says before but I don’t believe you.  You were weird and distant for at least a week, possibly two.  With hindsight I’m sure that it why you asked a few strange questions and distracted me when I asked about the trains.  Instead you made me ask again, by which point I was seriously starting to worry.  Why couldn’t you tell me sooner?  It would have given me more time make alternative arrangements and come to terms with what was happening.  With two days notice my suitcase was half packed and I had to rethink what to bring.  You knew I had started packing because I tried to tell you the funny story about cleaning off my dressing table.  Seriously were you with your new girlfriend while I was organising what make-up to bring so i could look nice for you? And again while I was getting my legs waxed?

It saddens me to think of the in-game friends (and money) I have lost along the way first by following you to a new server – ok maybe it’s not so simple with this move – and more importantly when I had to leave the new server.  No idea what you really think of that move but I could not bear to watch you happy and wonder about the other woman.  It was particularly hurtful when I visited a few weeks later and when I shared something you spoke only to the guy was helping.  Not a single word to me.  I’m not sure I miss the game, I realise now that it took far too much of my time but I would have preferred to choose the timing of my departure.

How is it that with all this anger and betrayal that I can still think fondly of you?  We had some good times and for a while you were very supportive.  I sometimes think of how things might have been and I’m curious to meet you in person.  Perhaps the end of this relationship was a good thing, you showed me a side to you I really don’t like.  You made promises you could not be sure of keeping,  you treated me with disrespect and you betrayed my trust.  These thoughts and feelings have been in my head for weeks.  I kept hoping for a chance to say them to you and maybe have some petty vengeance.  That is unlikely to happen so I hope that by writing them down and sharing this letter I will finally be able to banish them and the feelings of anger so that I can move on with my life.