An Open letter to the ex

Dear Guy 0

The abrupt way you ended things mean that there are still so many things I never got the chance to say.  Now with a new guy on the scene part of me really wants to gloat and say how amazing it is.

Your initial message was so short and unclear, probably the reason I was in denial longer than I should have been.  For ages I hoped there had been a terrible misunderstanding especially because you tried to say good night as usual.  Did you really think you could tell me you had met someone else and things would continue more or less as before?  “Hooked up” generally means something a lot less serious and given the distance between us I may have forgiven the odd transgression.  But you ignored my message the following day to try and clarify things.  It took you 5 days to say “I’m Sorry” and then only because I told you I was leaving the game (I met Guy 0 through online gaming). I never replied because I did not know what to say. Did you think I was bluffing?  OK, I was kinda hoping you would try and convince me to stay.

I still have so many unanswered questions: Who is she? How did you meet?  Why did you choose her?  But most important of all: Why were you even looking at another woman so close to my visit?  You said you were happy to wait, you were counting down the weeks and even procrastinating with a job interview.  You encouraged me to come earlier and offered to pay half for the tickets.  Perhaps me ignoring your questions about the money damaged things in your mind.  Maybe I should have explained that I was not sure about taking your money and I was busy trying to sort my UK bank account.  Perhaps I should have taken your money.  I would only have used it for expenses while I was in the UK and you would have had to bear some of the financial burden of my visit. But I did not want a financial transaction to complicate things between us.

It hurts when I think that while I was busy making last minute arrangements for the trip you were with the new woman.  You said you hooked up a couple of says before but I don’t believe you.  You were weird and distant for at least a week, possibly two.  With hindsight I’m sure that it why you asked a few strange questions and distracted me when I asked about the trains.  Instead you made me ask again, by which point I was seriously starting to worry.  Why couldn’t you tell me sooner?  It would have given me more time make alternative arrangements and come to terms with what was happening.  With two days notice my suitcase was half packed and I had to rethink what to bring.  You knew I had started packing because I tried to tell you the funny story about cleaning off my dressing table.  Seriously were you with your new girlfriend while I was organising what make-up to bring so i could look nice for you? And again while I was getting my legs waxed?

It saddens me to think of the in-game friends (and money) I have lost along the way first by following you to a new server – ok maybe it’s not so simple with this move – and more importantly when I had to leave the new server.  No idea what you really think of that move but I could not bear to watch you happy and wonder about the other woman.  It was particularly hurtful when I visited a few weeks later and when I shared something you spoke only to the guy was helping.  Not a single word to me.  I’m not sure I miss the game, I realise now that it took far too much of my time but I would have preferred to choose the timing of my departure.

How is it that with all this anger and betrayal that I can still think fondly of you?  We had some good times and for a while you were very supportive.  I sometimes think of how things might have been and I’m curious to meet you in person.  Perhaps the end of this relationship was a good thing, you showed me a side to you I really don’t like.  You made promises you could not be sure of keeping,  you treated me with disrespect and you betrayed my trust.  These thoughts and feelings have been in my head for weeks.  I kept hoping for a chance to say them to you and maybe have some petty vengeance.  That is unlikely to happen so I hope that by writing them down and sharing this letter I will finally be able to banish them and the feelings of anger so that I can move on with my life.




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