Who’s for coffee?

Since I started getting back into dating I have had a few invites for coffee.  Most of these freaked me out and I found myself frantically thinking of excuses why I could not go.  I started wondering if I really was being difficult and too fussy.  That I didn’t really know what I wanted.  To be fair one of the guys wanting to get together only wants sex.  One of the other guys when asked about a potential girlfriend said she “just needs to be a swtypie”.  I’m not sure I see myself as “just a swtypie”.

With one of the others I was not really sure of him from the start but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He was very quick to ask to move to WhatsApp and I explained why I was not keen (really must investigate the burner app option).  He then tried to convince me to change his mind.  I felt like there an underlying tone of: my view is superior to yours so you should do what I want.  This was not helped by the fact that when I mentioned that I had been in a long distance relationship his response was that long distance relationships never work.  With no other information I felt this was a rather arrogant and thoughtless statement.  So when he asked a second time for my number I decided to ignore him.  I thought for a while that was it, but then he reappeared a day later.  He was keen to meet for coffee.  I suggested we get to know each other better first.  This ended up being me asking him a series of questions because he was not able to turn this into an interesting conversation.  Then finally on Sunday he mentioned that he had been to church.  I’m willing to respect other people’s views and I want someone who will respect my religious choices.  So asked how important church was to him.  Vital it seems.  He ‘kindly’ offered to discuss my views and I declined.

I was starting to thing I wasn’t really ready to get back into this dating thing.  Then on Monday I finally got chatting to a nice guy.  He has not yet asked me out for coffee but finally someone I would probably say yes to.  He works long hours during the week and is busy during the weekend.  Doh, another busy fella.  In the meantime I have chatted to a few more guys who seem nice and from whom I would accept a coffee invite.  None yet but it is early days.

He’s a selfish bastard

It has been 6 days since I last heard from Import-Export guy.  Also 6 days since he last checked his messages on WhatsApp – I’m not sure what this means.  I have made allowances for the fact that work is still busy, I think his kids are now on holiday and it has been a long weekend.  Perhaps they went away for a few days.  After he has been told that I feel neglected and that he is not that committed it is too long to go without a single message or letting me know he would be offline for a few days.  Right now the only acceptable reasons I can think of for such a long silence are that he is dead or at least unconscious in hospital.

Today is the start of the working week so I thought there might be something.  A brief apologetic message.  Something.  The schools are off for a week.  Does that mean I have to wait another week to hear from him?  Right now I am so angry I want to leave the follow message:

“You selfish, fucking bastard.  Why couldn’t you be honest and accept you don’t have the time to make this work.  Why couldn’t you just let me say goodbye and let me move on with my life?  It would have hurt but it would have been a lot kinder”

Today at least I will use this blog as the place to vent my anger.  Anger is good.  It is a vital part of the process for moving on.

I have made some progress over the weekend with investigating alternatives.  There might even be someone I want to meet to for coffee (the topic of my next blog).  So far  I have held back a bit with being too flirty or doing anything that I feel might jeopardise what I have with Import-export guy.  Stupid me.  Still going slow is a good thing for building the sort of relationship I want.  I saw a few interesting options on Elite Singles that I’m eager to contact.  I do need to give them money to be able to do so.  I need to do a little research and then maybe be I will go for it.

Ok rant over.  Starting to feel better.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone with the language but it fitted with the mood I was in earlier today.

Preparing for the next Adventure

I was looking at the pages of my newest follower Giulia (https://giuliafsmith.com/about/) who is writing about her adventures in London and it started me thinking that I would like a new adventure.

I was looking forward to some kind of romantic adventure with Import-export guy.  Our paths would not have crossed during everyday life and the presented some interesting opportunities for a different experience of life.  I have not heard from him for nearly 5 days.  I can’t get my head around the idea that he can go that long without checking WhatsApp.  This is the longest he has been quiet without giving me some advance warning.  It has been tough but I have been mentally adjusting to the idea that he is getting relegated from important guy to one of many.

His silence  has given me time to consider the next adventure.  I was thinking about finding a new job perhaps in a new town or country.  There are work issues that need to be sorted but I don’t think such a big change is needed.  Actually I want company to enjoy some of the places and events that my little corner of the world has to offer.  Online dating is a great opportunity to meet new and interesting people.  So no reason it can’t be my next big adventure.

My attitude has changed a lot since I downloaded Badoo and started online dating.  So I want to take a bit of time to plan.  I want reassess which platform I use and make sure I have good profiles on the ones I do choose.  I like Badoo but sometimes it is depressing the number of unsuitable people that message me although when I search I can find some more promising options.  Perhaps this is why Tinder seems to have thrown up more suitable matches.  I am considering a paid site and set up a profile on Be2 but again the matches did not look very promising.  Last night I tried Elite Singles and this site looks much more promising.  Not sure what it says about me, that of the 8 suggested matches, 3 were clinical psychologists.  I’m willing to pay for a dating website if I think it will provide better matches but I need to investigate a few more before deciding.

After visiting Elite Singles I am feeling more optimistic about the possibility of finding someone suitable.  I’m looking forward to this next adventure.  This time though I will take a bit of time to get my profile sorted and consider what I want.  It will also give me a bit more time to get my head sorted so that I’m in the right headspace to to do this thing properly.

Happy Days, Spring is Here

I’m feeling more confident and positive than I have done for a long time.  Possibly even since my Dad died.

As far as Import-Export guy goes I can’t make him ask me out or make is work get quiet.  I can however focus on having fun with text messaging.  It seems he is still very busy.  I have confidence this really is the case because of how rarely he is checking WhatsApp.  Plus he has not been on Badoo for months.  I hope knowing these things does not put me in the creepy stalker category.

So what is a girl to in the meantime?  Surely it’s OK for me to explore other options.  Last Thursday I heard nothing from Import-Export guy and in an act of petty vengeance I started messing about on Badoo and Tinder.  Actually it was quite a lot of fun and I started to feel more confident about finding someone interesting.  Then Friday morning one of the guys asked me if I would meet for coffee.  I hesitated and he changed his mind.  I guess he decided I was too much work.  Actually I suspect he was hoping for coffee and sex over the weekend.

The did get me thinking about what would be be acceptable with seeing other men.  After all we are not officially going out nor has there been a discussion around being exclusive so technically I am still single.  I need to balance this against the relationship that has developed so far and my hopes for the future.  I have no concerns chatting to other men.  Surely I can tell them I’m single.  So far I have not met anyone I like as much as Import-export guy and if I do, well perhaps that will be the incentive I need to take decisive action.  So I don’t think I’m leading anyone on or giving them false hope. It just means that they will have to make an effort to win me over.  Something they should be doing anyway.  Actually going out on a date, without clarifying the situation with Import-export guy.  That I’m not so sure about, especially if there is any expectation of the date leading to something more intimate.  I guess I can worry about that if I find someone that interests me enough to make plans for a date.

We have had plenty of sunny days recently and I’m sure this is part of the reason I’m feeling more optimistic and confident.  It will be interesting to see what happens next with this dating thing.

 

Networking to find a man

This morning our lesbian neighbour posted this picture of a girl jumping out of a cake saying she wanted this as her birthday cake on our neighbourhood group.  Of course it was not long before one of the guys also put in a request for such a cake.  Although he did try to suggest that it was one of the other guys with a dirty mind, he just had a sweet tooth.

I felt obliged to point out, in the interests of equality, that such a cake would be much better if a sexy man jumped out.  Further these guys are married and really shouldn’t be looking at such things.  Another argument for the sexy man.

At this point our lesbian neighbour reminded us that she likes girls.  A minor detail, lol.  She went on to point out that while she was quite willing to share but this would mean a lot of menfolk having to do their own cooking and cleaning.  So she suggested that in the interests of neighbourhood peace and harmony that she and her girlfriend should keep cake girl for themselves.  Naturally the guys thanked her for her nobility and team spirit.  I of course pointed out that this meant I did not get my hot man.  So they have promised to get me a man for my birthday.  As I’ve just had one it is going to be a long wait but they seem confident they can find a man in a cake somewhere.

I’m sure there were a few people having a good laugh as these messages were traded.  Still it was a good chance for me to let a few contacts know that I might be open to the possibility meeting a man.  Not right now perhaps, but no harm keeping my options open.  Online dating is one way to meet guys but it is worth exploring other options.  Certainly some of the dating advice websites do suggest using contacts and friends to meet new people.

The Aftermath

It has been a week since I attempted to end it with Import-export guy.  It feels like an anti-climax because there have not been any big changes and so far no plans for a date.  I really like this guy which is why I was open to the possibility of trying again.

It seems like he is willing to listen and try make changes when I get upset which is an important part of making a relationship work.  Another positive is that he didn’t just say what he thought I wanted to hear.  He tried to be honest about what he can and can’t manage.  To be fair he has been open about his availability from the start.  He said early on that he likes to spend as much time as possible with his kids because work and business travel limit how much time he does have to spend with them.  Even with the break-up he was clear on his stance that he does not have much free time.  Ironically a full and busy life makes him interesting and that is part of the appeal.

The most important change I noticed was with myself.  I feel a lot calmer and more relaxed.  I needed to let him know how disappointed that we did not manage a date in August.  I was struggling to figure out what to say, when to say it and how to say it.  In some ways taking the relationship to the point of a break-up was empowering.  I mentally prepared myself by considering what next.  I decided that rather than rush into another relationship I would take some time for me and consider what I really want and where I am willing to compromise.  Otherwise I’ll probably go after another busy fella with limited time for a girlfriend.  Now where do I find a guy who is leading an interesting life but has plenty of free time?

In the meantime my work contract has been renewed for another year.  I don’t think there was much doubt that would happen but it is still good to see the paperwork being processed.  For structural reasons it is the last year I can continue in this specific role which gives me a good incentive to start investigating other opportunities.  It probably is about time I figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I finally took steps to sort out my finances.  I have identified a good alternative for when my main source of exercise gets cancelled or I feel the need for an extra workout.  Now I just have to figure out how to balance additional classes with looking after Mom.  She is much more mobile and looking much better.

Perhaps the real reason I feel better is because I have decided to focus on what I need to be happy regardless of if there is a man in my life or not.  There are a lot of things I can change.  Perhaps in the not too distance future I will finally run out of patience with Import-export guy or maybe he will finally find time for a date or two.  Who knows which path my life will take, either option should be interesting.

We broke up – well almost

It depends on what could be considered the actual point of break-up.  Would it be yesterday when I sent the “it’s over” message or perhaps this morning when he acknowledged the message and wished me well.  Would it be more accurate to choose the point at which I said “Good Bye”?

On Saturday I had rather stressful morning trying to liberate Mom from the hospital.  She tore the ligaments in her foot and they had to operate.  (She is currently trying to deny she actually fell off the wine tram.)  Having still not heard from him, I messaged Import-export guy looking for a bit of sympathy.  He managed a few brief messages then went completely silent.  Those following this blog will know that I have been concerned for a while about how things have been going.  I decided I was done being patient and waiting for him to have more time.  Sunday morning he finally read the last of my messages then went offline.  At this point I decided I really wasn’t motivated to try and fix things.  So I sent the following message:

“I really needed some sympathy and support yesterday.  It seems I am just a bit of fun when you have nothing better to do.  I deserve more.  It’s over.”

He responded by telling me he was busy with his kids, that what I said was not true and he hoped I found what I was looking for.  He was very nice but very clear in his position that I was asking for more than he could give.  Work and his kids take a lot of his time.  It seemed there was no point dragging things out.  Plus I wanted a clear and positive end.  So I told him I would miss him, wished him well and said good bye.

He responded by telling me that he also liked me a lot and would miss me too.  It seemed like a ridiculous situation was developing where we did not want to end things but no plan to fix the situation either.  I considered backing down but I initiated the break-up for a reason.  It was not just a little tantrum about a few messages on Saturday, it was about the uncertainty I have been feeling for a while.  I needed to be strong or we would end up right back in the same situation.  I had to accept that if he was not willing to compromise then there was no chance of making this thing work.

Finally he asked if things could be saved.  Then we talked.  Well actually I did most of the talking.  Trying to explain why I was unhappy and what I needed for this relationship to work.  He is willing to try and that makes a huge difference.  We have not yet made plans for a second date but now he knows why it is so important to me.  How I feel it is necessary for this relationship to develop and grow.