I’m feeling more confident and positive than I have done for a long time. Possibly even since my Dad died.
As far as Import-Export guy goes I can’t make him ask me out or make is work get quiet. I can however focus on having fun with text messaging. It seems he is still very busy. I have confidence this really is the case because of how rarely he is checking WhatsApp. Plus he has not been on Badoo for months. I hope knowing these things does not put me in the creepy stalker category.
So what is a girl to in the meantime? Surely it’s OK for me to explore other options. Last Thursday I heard nothing from Import-Export guy and in an act of petty vengeance I started messing about on Badoo and Tinder. Actually it was quite a lot of fun and I started to feel more confident about finding someone interesting. Then Friday morning one of the guys asked me if I would meet for coffee. I hesitated and he changed his mind. I guess he decided I was too much work. Actually I suspect he was hoping for coffee and sex over the weekend.
The did get me thinking about what would be be acceptable with seeing other men. After all we are not officially going out nor has there been a discussion around being exclusive so technically I am still single. I need to balance this against the relationship that has developed so far and my hopes for the future. I have no concerns chatting to other men. Surely I can tell them I’m single. So far I have not met anyone I like as much as Import-export guy and if I do, well perhaps that will be the incentive I need to take decisive action. So I don’t think I’m not leading anyone on or giving them false hope. It just means that they will have to make an effort to win me over. Something they should be doing anyway. Actually going out on a date, without clarifying the situation with Import-export guy. That I’m not so sure about, especially if there is any expectation of the date leading to something more intimate. I guess I can worry about that if I find someone that interests me enough to make plans for a date.
We have had plenty of sunny days recently and I’m sure this is part of the reason I’m feeling more optimistic and confident. It will be interesting to see what happens next with this dating thing.
This morning our lesbian neighbour posted this picture of a girl jumping out of a cake saying she wanted this as her birthday cake on our neighbourhood group. Of course it was not long before one of the guys also put in a request for such a cake. Although he did try to suggest that it was one of the other guys with a dirty mind, he just had a sweet tooth.
I felt obliged to point out, in the interests of equality, that such a cake would be much better if a sexy man jumped out. Further these guys are married and really shouldn’t be looking at such things. Another argument for the sexy man.
At this point our lesbian neighbour reminded us that she likes girls. A minor detail, lol. She went on to point out that while she was quite willing to share but this would mean a lot of menfolk having to do their own cooking and cleaning. So she suggested that in the interests of neighbourhood peace and harmony that she and her girlfriend should keep cake girl for themselves. Naturally the guys thanked her for her nobility and team spirit. I of course pointed out that this meant I did not get my hot man. So they have promised to get me a man for my birthday. As I’ve just had one it is going to be a long wait but they seem confident they can find a man in a cake somewhere.
I’m sure there were a few people having a good laugh as these messages were traded. Still it was a good chance for me to let a few contacts know that I might be open to the possibility meeting a man. Not right now perhaps, but no harm keeping my options open. Online dating is one way to meet guys but it is worth exploring other options. Certainly some of the dating advice websites do suggest using contacts and friends to meet new people.
It has been a week since I attempted to end it with Import-export guy. It feels like an anti-climax because there have not been any big changes and so far no plans for a date. I really like this guy which is why I was open to the possibility of trying again.
It seems like he is willing to listen and try make changes when I get upset which is an important part of making a relationship work. Another positive is that he didn’t just say what he thought I wanted to hear. He tried to be honest about what he can and can’t manage. To be fair he has been open about his availability from the start. He said early on that he likes to spend as much time as possible with his kids because work and business travel limit how much time he does have to spend with them. Even with the break-up he was clear on his stance that he does not have much free time. Ironically a full and busy life makes him interesting and that is part of the appeal.
The most important change I noticed was with myself. I feel a lot calmer and more relaxed. I needed to let him know how disappointed that we did not manage a date in August. I was struggling to figure out what to say, when to say it and how to say it. In some ways taking the relationship to the point of a break-up was empowering. I mentally prepared myself by considering what next. I decided that rather than rush into another relationship I would take some time for me and consider what I really want and where I am willing to compromise. Otherwise I’ll probably go after another busy fella with limited time for a girlfriend. Now where do I find a guy who is leading an interesting life but has plenty of free time?
In the meantime my work contract has been renewed for another year. I don’t think there was much doubt that would happen but it is still good to see the paperwork being processed. For structural reasons it is the last year I can continue in this specific role which gives me a good incentive to start investigating other opportunities. It probably is about time I figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I finally took steps to sort out my finances. I have identified a good alternative for when my main source of exercise gets cancelled or I feel the need for an extra workout. Now I just have to figure out how to balance additional classes with looking after Mom. She is much more mobile and looking much better.
Perhaps the real reason I feel better is because I have decided to focus on what I need to be happy regardless of if there is a man in my life or not. There are a lot of things I can change. Perhaps in the not too distance future I will finally run out of patience with Import-export guy or maybe he will finally find time for a date or two. Who knows which path my life will take, either option should be interesting.
It depends on what could be considered the actual point of break-up. Would it be yesterday when I sent the “it’s over” message or perhaps this morning when he acknowledged the message and wished me well. Would it be more accurate to choose the point at which I said “Good Bye”?
On Saturday I had rather stressful morning trying to liberate Mom from the hospital. She tore the ligaments in her foot and they had to operate. (She is currently trying to deny she actually fell off the wine tram.) Having still not heard from him, I messaged Import-export guy looking for a bit of sympathy. He managed a few brief messages then went completely silent. Those following this blog will know that I have been concerned for a while about how things have been going. I decided I was done being patient and waiting for him to have more time. Sunday morning he finally read the last of my messages then went offline. At this point I decided I really wasn’t motivated to try and fix things. So I sent the following message:
“I really needed some sympathy and support yesterday. It seems I am just a bit of fun when you have nothing better to do. I deserve more. It’s over.”
He responded by telling me he was busy with his kids, that what I said was not true and he hoped I found what I was looking for. He was very nice but very clear in his position that I was asking for more than he could give. Work and his kids take a lot of his time. It seemed there was no point dragging things out. Plus I wanted a clear and positive end. So I told him I would miss him, wished him well and said good bye.
He responded by telling me that he also liked me a lot and would miss me too. It seemed like a ridiculous situation was developing where we did not want to end things but no plan to fix the situation either. I considered backing down but I initiated the break-up for a reason. It was not just a little tantrum about a few messages on Saturday, it was about the uncertainty I have been feeling for a while. I needed to be strong or we would end up right back in the same situation. I had to accept that if he was not willing to compromise then there was no chance of making this thing work.
Finally he asked if things could be saved. Then we talked. Well actually I did most of the talking. Trying to explain why I was unhappy and what I needed for this relationship to work. He is willing to try and that makes a huge difference. We have not yet made plans for a second date but now he knows why it is so important to me. How I feel it is necessary for this relationship to develop and grow.