This one is much more confusing than Import-export guy or the fireman and is a more classic example of ghosting. In this case I am talking about Planner guy.
We have been chatting since September but so far only managed one date. I have been wondering for a while if this thing really was going anywhere and was looking for a chance to try and move things on. The disorganisation with our first attempt at a date suggested he might need some female encouragement.
Then on Friday he suggested we meet on Saturday afternoon. I was doing some online shopping when he first messaged and he offered some advice and sent me some useful links. It seemed like all was going well. Later in the day I was shopping for underwear when he messaged to say he was at the barbers and asked what I was doing. I could not resist saying I was trying on underwear and ended up sending a bikini shot.
We had another nice chat on Saturday morning and then I had to go out for a bit. After getting home I had lunch and noticed he still had not read my last message. At this point I was starting to wonder what was going on, we still had not agreed a time. It was starting to feel a lot like our first date attempt. In the end I sent him two ice-cream emoticons and he responded by asking if I was eating. I said no, what happened to our plans and that I was trying to escape a very needy cat. His responses were rather short, not really saying much. He still hasn’t read the last message.
I know he is online and I have seen activity on facebook. His messaging has always been somewhat erratic. Sometimes he only manages to say ‘Good morning’ and send a few jokes during the day. He did go through a quiet patch and a whole weekend with no messages. I eventually sent an emoticon and things seemed to improve after that.
Overall it did feel a lot like things had stagnated and I had been considering what to do about the situation. Perhaps he felt the same way. It is a pity because he seemed like a nice guy. Seriously though if he was unhappy with how things were going why didn’t he say something. More importantly why did he ask me out, have a nice chat in the morning then go quiet? Is is very strange and confusing. Should I send one last ‘wtf is going on?’
Much of the dating advice directed at women states that guys will continue looking until exclusivity is agreed (we won’t mention those that mess about after) and that women should do the same. Considering this it is surprising how many men I have encountered who prefer to focus on one woman and expect me just to talk to them. Typically at this point I tell them a short versions of what happened with Import-export guy to explain why committing to one person too soon is a bad idea.
One of the more extreme versions was a guy who contacted me, chatted for about 10 mins and then said ‘Ok found what I’m looking for. Can we move to WhatsApp?’ I was a little be bemused and so I asked what he meant and yes, it turns out he only intended to chat with me. I explained that I had no intention of doing the same and that he should continue chatting with other woman. We chatted for a few more days but in the end I decided that it was not going to work out and he decided to stop chatting completely.
A more frustrating example is of a guy that did show some potential. He worked in a similar field and had similar qualifications. He was also well travelled which should have made him more interesting. But he took the view that he should focus on one relationship at a time and try to make that work. He might have looked good on paper but he was very serious so some of our conversations were rather boring. Certainly I was not willing to choose just him above everyone else so another one went quiet.
The most recent example is the one that saddens me the most. I first started chatting to him about the time I had the one date with Import-export guy so I told him that I wanted to focus on that guy and see how things go. I kept his number and thought about contacting him when things started going wrong with Import-export guy. So when he was messaged me last weekend I was happy to pick up where we left off. We chatted for a few days and at some point he did ask about other guys then he went quiet. So I messaged him and he responded by saying he had gone quiet because he knew I was chatting to other guys and he did not want to compete with them. He wants a woman who will meet him halfway.
Maybe it makes me more high maintenance and old fashioned but I want a guy to fight for my affections. I’m not sure fight is really the right word as it is suggests a lot of work. I think it is really about being yourself and taking an interest in me. Then we will have a good conversation and things will move forward and I will make more of an effort for someone who does that.
Earlier in the week I had a few crazy days with lots of guys messaging. I was having trouble keeping track of who had said what. In the end I decided to hide my profile on Badoo. There is a lot of activity on that site but very few guys of interest to me.
Not long after doing this I opened my phone to find a message from one of the guys asking if there was a problem. It seems I had read his message 3 h earlier but not replied. He had decided this was not good enough. We were having a rather nice chat and he sent a long message about the time I was having supper and generally busy. So I left it, intending to send a decent answer later. I forgot about him completely.
When I saw his message I apologised and explained I was busy earlier. It seems that was not good enough he had decided that I thought he was not good enough for me. He recently admitted he was coloured (mixed race for non-South Africans) but this heritage is not clear from his photos. Unfortunately while Apartheid may have ended years ago there are still many race related issues in South Africa. This includes people who are sensitive about their skin colour and blame many problems on this issue. Sadly there is an element of truth in this attitude.
I can’t remember exactly what he said, I was half asleep at the time and ended up deleting all messages at his request. I think that he decided that I thought he was not good enough since he revealed he was coloured. To be fair I was losing interest and there are people on my list whom I consider have greater potential. He has a rather expensive hobby which I think, isn’t very interesting. I was also concerned when he mentioned that he needed to check his bank account before he could buy food or that if he was not paid he would not have petrol money to get to work the following week. I would not consider myself very materialistic but I do like a few luxury treats like a day at the local Spa or high tea at a famous local 5* hotel. I want someone who can enjoy these things with me.
But in the end I decided I simply could not be bothered to deal with his drama. He had told me a story which showed elements of this earlier in the day and while he seemed proud of his actions I was not as impressed. I don’t want a guy who throws a tantrum because I forget to message him for 3h. Especially after I apologised and explained. I could have tried to convince him he was wrong but I’m not sure he would have listened. In the end I decided it was better all round to let things end even if he does think the worst of me. At least now he is free to find someone who is more suitable for him.
There are so many strange people around that you can’t take things too seriously. Certainly I think scammers are fair game for a bit of fun.
Yesterdays classic introduced himself and stated a desire to ‘make a sincere friendship’. I asked where he lived because his profile was not written in English. He responded by saying that he would be coming to South Africa and sent me the hotel booking. The hotel is in a town built to for the local oil refinery employees and is on the other side of the country from me. Roughly a 5 hr trip including 2 hr on a plane. I have pointed this out a few times but he has not responded. Also he plans to arrive on 23 December and thinks we can spend Christmas together. Lol.
In short it was one of those guys who sent a lot of over the top messages of love. Declaring that he wanted to marry me and have children. He tried a few times to request my phone number and tried to video call me through Badoo. He tried to earn my trust by sending me a picture of himself with a passport (or some random fella) but could not answer my question about why he was coming to South Africa.
Late this afternoon he sent me a message saying that he had accidentally said ‘erection’ instead of ‘election’ to his friends, as an attempt to let me know how keen he was on me. I decided to have some fun with him and sent a message saying how offended I was that he would say such a thing. He responded with a dodgy poem but no apology. So I decided to step it up and apologised for being so quiet and explained I was having trouble paying my rent and worried about ending up homeless.
A few messages later he actually asked how much money I needed. So I said 300 Euro. He went very quiet and I figured that was finally it. Then when I got home from work I found a message saying he would send me the money. He even wanted to know how to send me the money. Doh.
Naturally I have no intention of taking his money or scamming anybody so I have not spoken to him again.
When I say boy I don’t meant the big kid type of guy, the sort that likes his boy’s toys. I might be thinking of getting me some Lego if I can find a good architecture kit. I’m talking about the sort of guy that can hold an adult conversation and behave in an adult way when required.
I got home a few days ago to find that one of the guys had left me a crying emoji. Naturally I asked what was wrong. The response with more crying emoji’s was that I was not giving him enough attention. Erm, I tend to respond to people who have something interesting to say and will make an effort for those I find interesting and funny. I do not respond well to a guilt trip.
Remember back in school when you resorted to telling someone they were scared if they wouldn’t do something you asked? Fortunately most of us out grown this approach. Sadly I encountered someone who has not. After about three messages in he asked me for my WhatsApp details. It was already clear that he could not write properly so I said no. He responded by asking if I was scared my husband would find out. I figured ‘Lol. Yes.’ was a suitable response.
I ignored him for a while and when he didn’t take the hint I decided that it would be best to tell him I was not interested. Then he tried playing the race card by asking if the reason was down to the colour of his skin. Again no, he can’t write properly. In spite of all this he still chatted for a while then tried to arrange to meet up. Then he accused me of being shy when I said I wouldn’t meet him. Seemed to think I was full of stories when I told him my time was limited so I was fussy about who I met up with. It turns out he has a girlfriend but she does not know he is on Badoo so that is not a problem. Oh boy.
Surely it is not too much to ask for a guy who can behave like an adult. Someone who understands that if you want a woman to meet you then you must make an effort to make the meeting sound fun and interesting.
Interesting that someone who claims to be based in South Africa seems to know nothing about the story of Mugabe and Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe is one of our neighbours and if things there deteriorate we will get another influx of refugees so the story is relevant.
I have watched the situation get steadily worse for many years. I was at university with a few Zimbabweans one of whom was a good friend. When we first met at the start of our studies Zimbabwe was still doing well and looked like an African success story. It was a few years into our studies that the land invasions happened with war veterans invading farms and driving the white farmers and the farmworkers off. Which means it is a story which has always been a bit more personal, listening to my friends concerns when their currency rapidly lost value. Naturally I have been watching the events of the last week with great interest, hoping things will improve for the people of Zimbabwe.
So yesterday when this guy I had been chatting to asked about my evening it seemed perfectly reasonable to mention that I had been watching this new story. Especially as I’m not convinced he is in South Africa. Initially he told me he was from England but working ‘here in Estonia’. Then when I mentioned I was in South Africa he tells me he is currently in South Africa working on a contract. In writing this post I looked back over the conversation and realised that he asked me the same question twice, using exactly the same words. Apart from that we have traded a few pleasantries about the weather. So boring.
This was more or less the conversation starting with him:
“How was your night”
“It was good. Interesting seeing the Mugabe story unfold”
“Oh ok dear and what about it?”
“Haven’t you seen what’s happening in Zimbabwe?”
“Not yet my dear”
“Oh ok” “I’m surprised it must be a big story in Johannesburg”
“I’m here to mind my business and not to pork nose in other people’s affairs my dear”
I then mentioned that I like to keep an eye on news and current affairs and asked about his day. Surprise, surprise he only commented on his day. So much for the idea that building a relationship means taking an interest in things that matter to the other person (Hint: 10 mins on google would have been enough). Another fraudster? Not even a good one. Not that it really matters. Call me fussy but I’m kind hoping to find someone I can have a conversation with.
I am getting used to the fact that have a really friendly chat then disappear. Sometimes they reappear a few days or weeks later and act as if nothing has happened. I had a really nice chat with a teacher one evening and since then nothing. Then a few days ago after chatting for a few minutes I realised this guy had very different religious views. I pointed this out and he went quiet. Not even a polite I agree it is not going to work.
One of the stranger examples is the case of the fireman. I think it might have been a Friday or a Saturday we started talking. Then late Saturday afternoon he said he was heading to my part of town and did I want to meet for a drink. I said it had been a busy day and I was too tired. Actually I think it must have been early evening because I was in my pyjamas by this time and not in the mood to get dressed and try make conversation with an almost stranger. I think he messaged me a few times during the evening to request that I join him.
We chatted briefly on Sunday and I suggested that the best time to meet would be the following weekend as I already had plans for most of the week. Monday morning he tells me he will be my side of town and would I like to join him for a drink. I have sport in the evening. He seemed like a nice guy and I wanted to meet him for a drink. Plus it’s a fireman we are talking about. Hehe, in my first job one of the other women and a friend got me a fireman calendar for Christmas. Need I say more?
After I returned from my sport he messaged again to ask if I would join him for a drink. I explained that it was getting late and I still needed to eat and shower. I was a little tempted by the idea of a crazy dash out to meet someone for a drink and it did seem like I was constantly saying no but to be honest he wanted to meet at a local bar and I was not comfortable doing something like that, late evening when I was already tired. After saying no a few more times I eventually told him that he was starting to creep me out.
I thought that was the end of it but Tuesday morning he was back on the case. Did I want to meet that evening. As it turns out my plans for the evening were cancelled so I decided that I would meet him for that drink. I had a lovely evening.
Wednesday he messaged to say he was alone at work and would I like to join him. I pointed out that I was also working. Plus his work is about an hour’s drive from mine. I think he asked me about 3 times to join him. He asked me to join him after work and I told him I couldn’t because I already had a family thing planned.
I haven’t heard from him since. I guess he decided I was too much work. I’m not even sure if I have a bruised ego from the sudden change. I was starting to feel suffocated by his persistent requests to meet. I need a guy who understands that I have my own life and my own interests.