Much of the dating advice directed at women states that guys will continue looking until exclusivity is agreed (we won’t mention those that mess about after) and that women should do the same. Considering this it is surprising how many men I have encountered who prefer to focus on one woman and expect me just to talk to them. Typically at this point I tell them a short versions of what happened with Import-export guy to explain why committing to one person too soon is a bad idea.
One of the more extreme versions was a guy who contacted me, chatted for about 10 mins and then said ‘Ok found what I’m looking for. Can we move to WhatsApp?’ I was a little be bemused and so I asked what he meant and yes, it turns out he only intended to chat with me. I explained that I had no intention of doing the same and that he should continue chatting with other woman. We chatted for a few more days but in the end I decided that it was not going to work out and he decided to stop chatting completely.
A more frustrating example is of a guy that did show some potential. He worked in a similar field and had similar qualifications. He was also well travelled which should have made him more interesting. But he took the view that he should focus on one relationship at a time and try to make that work. He might have looked good on paper but he was very serious so some of our conversations were rather boring. Certainly I was not willing to choose just him above everyone else so another one went quiet.
The most recent example is the one that saddens me the most. I first started chatting to him about the time I had the one date with Import-export guy so I told him that I wanted to focus on that guy and see how things go. I kept his number and thought about contacting him when things started going wrong with Import-export guy. So when he was messaged me last weekend I was happy to pick up where we left off. We chatted for a few days and at some point he did ask about other guys then he went quiet. So I messaged him and he responded by saying he had gone quiet because he knew I was chatting to other guys and he did not want to compete with them. He wants a woman who will meet him halfway.
Maybe it makes me more high maintenance and old fashioned but I want a guy to fight for my affections. I’m not sure fight is really the right word as it is suggests a lot of work. I think it is really about being yourself and taking an interest in me. Then we will have a good conversation and things will move forward and I will make more of an effort for someone who does that.
Heartbreak and Hope 
Fair enough, but it *can* be a romance killer if you tell a man that you’re busy chatting with or having sex with another man. I think we’re supposed to be coy or maintain the illusion that we’re sitting at home just waiting for their call or text message. Likewise, I might lose interest if I feel that a guy is having sex and dating all about town. It’s a fine line we walk being open and honest in a loaded and unfair world, where there are differing societal expectations for men and women, and as women we bear the brunt of stigma and attitude about being sexually active or experienced. The old virgin/whore dichotomy lives on!
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I agree one does have to be a bit careful about how much information to share
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Hey! fancy seeing you here! Agreed with you by the way. Hey!
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Reblogged this on Debatably Dateable.
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Love this post (and topic). Thank you for your transparency.
I’ve always assumed (to be safe) that when I meet a woman, she’s seeing someone else. Or, that at the very least, she’s speaking with other men. Now, I could be wrong, but it’s a safe bet. Once we really start talking, I’ll politely ask her, “Do you like to date exclusively, or do you like to date and see what’s out there before becoming exclusive? Most women will answer that question pretty quickly.
I’m a very forward man. Not passive-aggressive at all. The information I want to know, I’ll ask. I may use a subtle and respectful way of ascertaining that information. I find it critical to know within the first few conversations if you’re listening to offers, or just wanting to dedicate your time to one man.
I also believe that you should talk to people more, and date less. Have as many conversations with as many people as possible before you become exclusive with one.
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I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
I am happy to explain where I stand on exclusivity if anyone asks. Better to have an honest discussion. A lot of guys have disappeared after a few days or even weeks of chatting so I don’t think that it healthy to commit too soon. If you read some of my earlier blogs you will see what happened when I made that mistake.
When I agree to be exclusive I intend to be exclusive so I need to be sure I’m with the right person.
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I hear ya. Some never want to commit and others want to immediately. I want to be exclusive eventually but I do not want to jump into anything too quickly. I am also honest with the men I date. I actually have told some to not ask something they do not want a truthful answer to.
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Yes I like the idea of saying that. I might give a limited answer but I won’t lie to anyone I’m interested in
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ITA. If a man wants exclusive and i am not ready for that i will tell him. Had one a year ago. I wasnt seeing anyone else at the time but was not ready to commit. He was declaring his love in 2 weeks. We don’t even speak now as he became super clingy and possessive.
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Reblogged this on My Rants, Dreams, and Thoughts on Everything.
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Quite entertaining this post truly is. Regarding the last aspect, the man having to fight for affections. There’s no questioning the appeal of having someone fight for you, I for one quite like this, it’s traditional. On the other hand, having to compete in such a fashion where this man’s competitor is largely unknown to him can and will appear to be a great waste of time as there’s also an implication – however small – that this honesty may lower his chances. He may seem like he’s “not a fighter” but from another point of view he may be looking at things in a more serious way, and in our times where dating and relationships can be achieved simply by swiping pictures, he may feel as though he is not being valued.
Very, very interesting. So much ways to look at this topic. I like it.
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About the time I wrote this post things had got a little crazy with work and the number of people I’m chatting to. So I was losing track of who said what. Which also made it more difficult to start building relationships.
I have since cut down on the number of people I am talking to so that I can give those guys making an effort a fair portion of my time, I am trying to find a nice balance between not committing too soon and giving a few guys serious about a relationship a fair chance.
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Forgive me, but I’m inclined to agree with you that you should perhaps slow down and take it steady – give fewer people a greater chance and see where things go. Oddly enough, despite being an open subject, I feel as though it’s not my place to say, even though I agree with you. It’s quite amazing yet frankly disastrous at times how quickly things can escalate out of control with such things. That being said, I find it quite entertaining from my view, as it provides great reading material. Been in similar situations with women, myself. So I understand where you’re coming from, to some extent.
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I think the challenge is maintaining a good balance with how many people people you are taking to. I’m glad you are enjoying my writing. I’m finding it really helpful to maintain perspective especially when things get a bit crazy
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[…] was reading a post DebatablyDateable wrote about dating exclusively when I decided to share the tale of my Tarok beau who has left a bad taste in my […]
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Great blog, thank you for sharing.
Guys are horrific at dating and online dating. Guys should live in abundance with multiple women until a specific girl brings up being exclusive. It’s a death nail for any guy to bring up being exclusive. Why? Because it displays neediness which usually is the #1 thing that turns women off. It also displays that he has trouble being pre-selected by other women which gives off negative social proof (ie. if other women find him acceptable, he must be good). Once the woman brings up being exclusive, the guy can then either agree to it or turn it down. This is all just my advice, but I’ve been studying social dynamics for over two years.
From my dating experience, I’ve discovered that the girls I date enjoy a guy who doesn’t cheat, but always has the ability to cheat if he wanted to.
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There are so many challenges with dating and so many different expectations. Especially when there are different cultures with different expectations in the mix.
Sadly nothing yet has progressed to the point where I would be seriously thinking about a proper exclusive relationship.
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[…] till it actually is. This idea has challenged me before or there are the guys demanding I only talk to them way before they have done […]
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