A Holiday Update

It seems past time for an update.  I do have a post planned which discusses how things have changed in the last year.  The holiday season was a great time for me and Guy 0 to get to know each other better.  In contrast I have barely heard from Accountant guy so I am thinking it might be time to consider where things can go.

Those posts both seem very serious for the time of year.  The holidays have been hectic but fun and I’m not in the mood for a serious post.  There was the usual buying and wrapping of presents to be done.  Followed by sorting out food and the house.  The visitors came to us each year but everyone contributes some food.  In some ways it is crazy.  Very hot here but we still follow European traditions with roast meat, vegetables and gravy.  This year there was gammon, chicken, salt beef and lamb.

The day after everyone always collapses and does as little as possible.  But yet this year I found myself building a marble run then trying to build a volcano.  There was a user error and the plaster set before we could get it in the mould.  Gotta try again soon.  This was followed by a day making a lava lamp and underwater volcano.  There were a few occasions where I managed to get a bit of time for myself but it was soon disturbed by screaming kids.  So on day 3 I went shopping to avoid more madness.

Friday was a special fun day.  The family went to a water park and then the beach.  I was kept very busy going down with slides with kids (obviously just to keep them happy).  Then a good time jumping in the waves and trying to keep up with the kid.  I got home tired, burnt and happy.

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Finally found time to sit and write something and now the cat is causing trouble.

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I think I will just go sit in the garden and enjoy a gin and tonic.

A depressed guy is not appealing

When I started with online dating I was feeling down, having just been dumped by Guy 0.  I remember reading that online dating while depressed was a bad idea.  I got really irritated and did it anyway.  To be fair the advice was from a councillor and I’m sure they were biased, wanting people to use their services.

Now that I am in a much better place I can see that advice had some merit.  A few times I have been put off by people who sound boring or negative then they might say something which make me think perhaps the main issue is depression.  For example one guy told me he was doing “nutting much”, it turns out had just been made redundant.  Fortunately he seems to have deleted his account.

More recently I had a much longer exchange with someone having a tough time.  The conversation started well, with a discussion of some of the stranger characters we had met.  He said he was tired of the dating game and women just looking for millionaires.  I pointed out that there were lots of problem guys too, including many just wanting sex.  He then admitted to having problems in that department (although I am reliably informed that it is not a department but a whole business plan and mission statement).  A good time to share that type of information?  Perhaps, but it really put me off.

Looking back I can see some warning signs in that first conversation.  He told me all about how he was nearly scammed by another woman.  How he used to work for himself but there were too many problems he could not deal with and in the end he decided to get a job instead.  Even more worrying is that he is letting his Mom sell her house and use a portion to fund his studies.  Even that let to a sorry tale of him leaving school early because of bad behaviour from his dad.

The problem is that within a day he decided he really liked me.  I was his chance to get off the dating apps and delete Badoo.  I told him not to, because I did not want the responsibility, I was not sure I felt the same way about him.  Then within a short space of time he started getting obsessed.  I was the most real woman he’s met and he wants to take things further.  At this point I am starting to regret being friendly and polite.

I did not find him attractive.  I’m not sure why I responded to his initial message.  A mixture of politeness, boredom and work avoidance.  Nonetheless he seemed like a decent guy and I did not want to lead him on.  I even tried telling him I was also dating someone else.  He tried to convince me the other guy was not suitable.

Over the next few days he became more intense with more of the conversation being about how he really liked me and me telling him to slow down.  The irony is that he claimed that the reason he liked me was because I seemed like a genuine person, really interested in him.  Yet it started to seem like he was not interested in how I was feeling.  He was focused on himself and what he wanted.  I think this is a typical sign of depression.

In the end I decided  the kindest thing to do was to tell him that I had met someone else and things would go no further.  He still tried to keep chatting.  In the end I shared a brief version of my story to try and explain how looking for a girlfriend is definitely better when you are feeling good about yourself.  You can’t rely on someone else to make you feel good.  Then told him I would not message him again because that was only giving him false hope.  From his response I don’t think he understood.  But in the end I think it was kinder that way.

 

Going nowhere?

Last week Accountant guy cancelled our date for the Friday.  My work Christmas lunch was taking place near where he lives and the idea was that we would meet up after work.  Then last week he contacted me to say that there was something else he wanted to do and the timings did not work.  Given the weather his choice made sense.

A little more discussion and it seems that he is still concerned about where things are going (The importance of communication).  We have fun together but there is not a lot of chemistry.  If I’m honest after the emotional turmoil of the last year I like this more gentle romance.  I don’t have the energy to get emotionally involved with anyone right now.  No doubt I’m holding back and this is part of the reason there is no chemistry.

Although we did not make any definite plans he suggested we meet in a few weeks.  I went home thinking perhaps that was it, this relationship seems to be getting stuck and it was time to end things.  I was planning to slow things down to focus on Accountant guy (Do I date or ditch?).  Perhaps it is the weather, or further evidence that I need a break from the dating game, but I have no motivation to go looking for new prospects at the moment.  The idea of getting dressed up to meet anyone new really does not appeal.

I would rather spend time with Accountant guy.  Perhaps this is laziness rather than attraction.  He has messaged since cancelling and I’m sure he is still interested.  He seems like a really good guy and surely it must be a good thing that he can express his feelings and is looking for chemistry.  This should be the basis of a good long term relationship but I just can’t see this as something long term.  I feel like I would be settling too soon, dare I say settling for second best.  So what’s missing?

I’m starting to think that I need someone who has a crazy side and can surprise me occasionally.  Maybe we are both overthinking things and should just try to go with the flow?

When do I get my unicorn?

My nieces are obsessed with unicorns.  I think is is a seriously girly thing at the moment, to be into unicorns.  With this in mind, on an act of whimsy I used “When do I get my unicorn?” as the tag line for my POF account.

Then a few weeks ago I became concerned about alternative meanings for unicorn.  I was surfing the net and I stumbled across a reference to hunting a unicorn on what looked like a BDSM website.  Oh dear, what if I was inadvertently asking for a BDSM master or something even more kinky?  Could that explain at least some of the weird messages?

I had to investigate further.  It turns out it is the name of a third person who joins a couple to make the relationship and especially the sex life better.  The idea being that, like a unicorn, such a person is difficult to find and considered mythical.  Actually thinking about it I think I might have seen someone on Tinder describing himself as a unicorn.

So I guess as a single person I’m safe to continue asking for a unicorn.  I just mustn’t get any ideas about describing myself as one.  Still these days I can’t help smiling when my nieces talk about unicorns.

Do I date or ditch?

Today I received 3 invites from 2 guys for coffee or drinks.  The first guy first suggested around lunchtime and then tried again for an evening coffee.  The other guy indicated he would like to meet this week but rather than suggesting something specific asked about my week.

They both seem like perfectly decent guys and yet right now I’m not sure I want to make the effort to meet either them.  At least part of it is down to the fact that things are going well with Accountant guy.  He seems to be growing on me.  Things have not reached a point where we need to consider going exclusive but I am finding that my standards are getting higher.  In addition i was feeling particularly tired and anti social today.  Not in the mood to make plans to meet someone I hardly know.

In both cases I made excuses about being busy.  To some extent this was true but I could have made a plan if I really wanted.  But this got me thinking about if I am treating a few of the guys fairly.  I have no problems giving guys that have behaved disrespectfully a hard time but I try to treat anyone genuinely looking for a girlfriend with more respect.  I think there comes a point where it is kinder to tell someone that I have desire to meet them or take things further.  It is not a conversation I want to have and I can understand why many would ghost at the point.

There are a few guys I have been chatting to that I’m sure I do not want to meet.  I think in the next few days I must must make an effort and tell them this.  But the decision for the two who were trying for a date today, I’m not so sure about about.  Certainly the one who was less clear about a plan fails my criteria for a decent education and job but today he made me laugh a lot.

I will see how things go in the next few days.  But I do think I need to give some serious consideration to which guys I should date and which to ditch.

 

There are good guys out there

I seem to have written a lot of posts about the strange and dodgy people I have encountered so it seems past time I write something more positive.  If you are patient then it is possible to find the occasional nice guy.  I had two really nice dates this weekend.

The first was with Accountant guy.  There were a few weeks where he only messaged a few times a week.  I was starting to think that after he raised the issue about us having a connection that my response was not enough for him (The importance of communication).  He did make a point of telling me that work was busy and detailing some of his weekend plans.  Then within a short space of time we had made plans for two dates and would have had a third but I had already made other plans.  Once we have made plans for a date, I like the way he checks in regularly to make that I am still good to meet and finalise details.

This Friday we had a lovely date.  From what I have seen thus far I really do think he is one of the good ones.  He has a decent job and his own place.  Clearly chemistry is important to him and he is able to discuss concerns in a positive way.  Also he recently decided to make big changes to his life by losing weight and getting fitter. I like how this shows he is open to constantly improving himself.

This relationship is maturing nicely and I am happy with the of slowing the dating thing down to focus on him.  Nonetheless the second date of the weekend was arranged a while back and I was curious to meet the guy.

He told me he worked on oil rigs and I could not find the place he named on google maps.  Also it was clear English was not his first language and I sometimes struggle to understand what he is trying to say.  I figured we would never meet and he was just looking for a little entertainment.  I decided there was no harm in playing along and flirting a bit.  So I was stunned when he announced that he lived in Cape Town and would be back the following week.  Did I want to meet for coffee?

We met for a few hours this afternoon.  He is from Croatia, has lived in various parts of the world and goes where the work and the money is.  He is trying to organise his own business and does contract work.  He is an interesting and unconventional character.  Overall my impression is that he is a fairly decent guy but only time will tell.

So I have had a really nice weekend and spent time with two promising guys.  I like them both but for very different reasons.  Account guy is a safe, sensible option and so far things are going well.  But this new guy well that could make for something much more interesting and crazy.