Last week Account guy cancelled our date for the Friday. My work Christmas lunch was taking place near where he lives and the idea was that we would meet up after work. Then last week he contacted me to say that there was something else he wanted to do and the timings did not work. Given the weather his choice made sense.
A little more discussion and it seems that he is still concerned about where things are going (The importance of communication). We have fun together but there is not a lot of chemistry. If I’m honest after the emotional turmoil of the last year I like this more gentle romance. I don’t have the energy to get emotionally involved with anyone right now. No doubt I’m holding back and this is part of the reason there is no chemistry.
Although we did not make any definite plans he suggested we meet in a few weeks. I went home thinking perhaps that was it, this relationship seems to be getting stuck and it was time to end things. I was planning to slow things down to focus on Accountant guy (Do I date or ditch?). Perhaps it is the weather, or further evidence that I need a break from the dating game, but I have no motivation to go looking for new prospects at the moment. The idea of getting dressed up to meet anyone new really does not appeal.
I would rather spend time with Accountant guy. Perhaps this is laziness rather than attraction. He has messaged since cancelling and I’m sure he is still interested. He seems like a really good guy and surely it must be a good thing that he can express his feelings and is looking for chemistry. This should be the basis of a good long term relationship but I just can’t see this as something long term. I feel like I would be settling too soon, dare I say settling for second best. So what’s missing?
I’m starting to think that I need someone who has a crazy side and can surprise me occasionally. Maybe we are both overthinking things and should just try to go with the flow?
My nieces are obsessed with unicorns. I think is is a seriously girly thing at the moment, to be into unicorns. With this in mind, on an act of whimsy I used “When do I get my unicorn?” as the tag line for my POF account.
Then a few weeks ago I became concerned about alternative meanings for unicorn. I was surfing the net and I stumbled across a reference to hunting a unicorn on what looked like a BDSM website. Oh dear, what if I was inadvertently asking for a BDSM master or something even more kinky? Could that explain at least some of the weird messages?
I had to investigate further. It turns out it is the name of a third person who joins a couple to make the relationship and especially the sex life better. The idea being that, like a unicorn, such a person is difficult to find and considered mythical. Actually thinking about it I think I might have seen someone on Tinder describing himself as a unicorn.
So I guess as a single person I’m safe to continue asking for a unicorn. I just mustn’t get any ideas about describing myself as one. Still these days I can’t help smiling when my nieces talk about unicorns.
Today I received 3 invites from 2 guys for coffee or drinks. The first guy first suggested around lunchtime and then tried again for an evening coffee. The other guy indicated he would like to meet this week but rather than suggesting something specific asked about my week.
They both seem like perfectly decent guys and yet right now I’m not sure I want to make the effort to meet either them. At least part of it is down to the fact that things are going well with Accountant guy. He seems to be growing on me. Things have not reached a point where we need to consider going exclusive but I am finding that my standards are getting higher. In addition i was feeling particularly tired and anti social today. Not in the mood to make plans to meet someone I hardly know.
In both cases I made excuses about being busy. To some extent this was true but I could have made a plan if I really wanted. But this got me thinking about if I am treating a few of the guys fairly. I have no problems giving guys that have behaved disrespectfully a hard time but I try to treat anyone genuinely looking for a girlfriend with more respect. I think there comes a point where it is kinder to tell someone that I have desire to meet them or take things further. It is not a conversation I want to have and I can understand why many would ghost at the point.
There are a few guys I have been chatting to that I’m sure I do not want to meet. I think in the next few days I must must make an effort and tell them this. But the decision for the two who were trying for a date today, I’m not so sure about about. Certainly the one who was less clear about a plan fails my criteria for a decent education and job but today he made me laugh a lot.
I will see how things go in the next few days. But I do think I need to give some serious consideration to which guys I should date and which to ditch.
I seem to have written a lot of posts about the strange and dodgy people I have encountered so it seems past time I write something more positive. If you are patient then it is possible to find the occasional nice guy. I had two really nice dates this weekend.
The first was with Accountant guy. There were a few weeks where he only messaged a few times a week. I was starting to think that after he raised the issue about us having a connection that my response was not enough for him (The importance of communication). He did make a point of telling me that work was busy and detailing some of his weekend plans. Then within a short space of time we had made plans for two dates and would have had a third but I had already made other plans. Once we have made plans for a date, I like the way he checks in regularly to make that I am still good to meet and finalise details.
This Friday we had a lovely date. From what I have seen thus far I really do think he is one of the good ones. He has a decent job and his own place. Clearly chemistry is important to him and he is able to discuss concerns in a positive way. Also he recently decided to make big changes to his life by losing weight and getting fitter. I like how this shows he is open to constantly improving himself.
This relationship is maturing nicely and I am happy with the of slowing the dating thing down to focus on him. Nonetheless the second date of the weekend was arranged a while back and I was curious to meet the guy.
He told me he worked on oil rigs and I could not find the place he named on google maps. Also it was clear English was not his first language and I sometimes struggle to understand what he is trying to say. I figured we would never meet and he was just looking for a little entertainment. I decided there was no harm in playing along and flirting a bit. So I was stunned when he announced that he lived in Cape Town and would be back the following week. Did I want to meet for coffee?
We met for a few hours this afternoon. He is from Croatia, has lived in various parts of the world and goes where the work and the money is. He is trying to organise his own business and does contract work. He is an interesting and unconventional character. Overall my impression is that he is a fairly decent guy but only time will tell.
So I have had a really nice weekend and spent time with two promising guys. I like them both but for very different reasons. Account guy is a safe, sensible option and so far things are going well. But this new guy well that could make for something much more interesting and crazy.
This one is much more confusing than Import-export guy or the fireman and is a more classic example of ghosting. In this case I am talking about Planner guy.
We have been chatting since September but so far only managed one date. I have been wondering for a while if this thing really was going anywhere and was looking for a chance to try and move things on. The disorganisation with our first attempt at a date suggested he might need some female encouragement.
Then on Friday he suggested we meet on Saturday afternoon. I was doing some online shopping when he first messaged and he offered some advice and sent me some useful links. It seemed like all was going well. Later in the day I was shopping for underwear when he messaged to say he was at the barbers and asked what I was doing. I could not resist saying I was trying on underwear and ended up sending a bikini shot.
We had another nice chat on Saturday morning and then I had to go out for a bit. After getting home I had lunch and noticed he still had not read my last message. At this point I was starting to wonder what was going on, we still had not agreed a time. It was starting to feel a lot like our first date attempt. In the end I sent him two ice-cream emoticons and he responded by asking if I was eating. I said no, what happened to our plans and that I was trying to escape a very needy cat. His responses were rather short, not really saying much. He still hasn’t read the last message.
I know he is online and I have seen activity on facebook. His messaging has always been somewhat erratic. Sometimes he only manages to say ‘Good morning’ and send a few jokes during the day. He did go through a quiet patch and a whole weekend with no messages. I eventually sent an emoticon and things seemed to improve after that.
Overall it did feel a lot like things had stagnated and I had been considering what to do about the situation. Perhaps he felt the same way. It is a pity because he seemed like a nice guy. Seriously though if he was unhappy with how things were going why didn’t he say something. More importantly why did he ask me out, have a nice chat in the morning then go quiet? Is is very strange and confusing. Should I send one last ‘wtf is going on?’
It’s a pity. He seemed like a nice guy. Having said that, things never developed to a point where I got really attached. I will give him a few more days then delete him.
Much of the dating advice directed at women states that guys will continue looking until exclusivity is agreed (we won’t mention those that mess about after) and that women should do the same. Considering this it is surprising how many men I have encountered who prefer to focus on one woman and expect me just to talk to them. Typically at this point I tell them a short versions of what happened with Import-export guy to explain why committing to one person too soon is a bad idea.
One of the more extreme versions was a guy who contacted me, chatted for about 10 mins and then said ‘Ok found what I’m looking for. Can we move to WhatsApp?’ I was a little be bemused and so I asked what he meant and yes, it turns out it only intended to chat with me. I explained that I had no intention of doing the same and that he should continue chatting with other woman. We chatted for a few more days but in the end decided that it was not going to work out and he decided to stop chatting completely.
A more frustrating example is of a guy that did show some potential. He worked in a similar field and had similar qualifications. He was also well travelled which should have made him more interesting. But he took the view that he should focus on one relationship at a time and try to make that work. He might have looked good on paper but he was very serious so some of our conversations were rather boring. Certainly I was not willing to choose just him above everyone else so another one went quiet.
The most recent example is the one that saddens me the most. I first started chatting to him about the time I had the one date with Import-export guy so I told him that I wanted to focus on that guy and see how things go. I kept his number and thought about contacting him when things started going wrong with Import-export guy. So when he was messaged me last weekend I was happy to pick up where we left off. We chatted for a few days and at some point he did ask about other guys then he went quiet. So I messaged him and he responded by saying he had gone quiet because he knew I was chatting to other guys and he did not want to compete with them. He wants a woman who will meet him halfway.
Maybe it makes me more high maintenance and old fashioned but I want a guy to fight for my affections. I’m not sure fight is really the right word as it is suggests a lot of work. I think it is really about being yourself and taking an interest in me. Then we will have a good conversation and things will move forward and I will make more of an effort for someone who does that.
Earlier in the week I had a few crazy days with lots of guys messaging. I was having trouble keeping track of who had said what. In the end I decided to hide my profile on Badoo. There is a lot of activity on that site but very few guys of interest to me.
Not long after doing this I opened my phone to find a message from one of the guys asking if there was a problem. It seems I had read his message 3 h earlier but not replied. He had decided this was not good enough. We were having a rather nice chat and he sent a long message about the time I was having supper and generally busy. So I left it, intending to send a decent answer later. I forgot about him completely.
When I saw his message I apologised and explained I was busy earlier. It seems that was not good enough he had decided that I thought he was not good enough for me. He recently admitted he was coloured (mixed race for non-South Africans) but this heritage is not clear from his photos. Unfortunately while Apartheid may have ended years ago there are still many race related issues in South Africa. This includes people who are sensitive about their skin colour and blame many problems on this issue. Sadly there is an element of truth in this attitude.
I can’t remember exactly what he said, I was half asleep at the time and ended up deleting all messages at his request. I think that he decided that I thought he was not good enough since he revealed he was coloured. To be fair I was losing interest and there are people on my list whom I consider have greater potential. He has a rather expensive hobby which I think, isn’t very interesting. I was also concerned when he mentioned that he needed to check his bank account before he could buy food or that if he was not paid he would not have petrol money to get to work the following week. I would not consider myself very materialistic but I do like a few luxury treats like a day at the local Spa or high tea at a famous local 5* hotel. I want someone who can enjoy these things with me.
But in the end I decided I simply could not be bothered to deal with his drama. He had told me a story which showed elements of this earlier in the day and while he seemed proud of his actions I was not as impressed. I don’t want a guy who throws a tantrum because I forget to message him for 3h. Especially after I apologised and explained. I could have tried to convince him he was wrong but I’m not sure he would have listened. In the end I decided it was better all round to let things end even if he does think the worst of me. At least now he is free to find someone who is more suitable for him.