I’m sure if I was on the outside listening to this relationship I would be the person saying end it. If he can’t find time to meet you then surely things are doomed. I have to admit that the busy work time for Import-Export guy came at a very difficult time in our relationship, for me at least. Too soon for me to be confident that waiting is definitely justified. Too soon for arranging to meet, to be a relaxed easy thing. But yet things have matured too far for me to feel it it would be OK to arrange dates with anyone else. So I find myself in a kind of dating limbo. Waiting for him but unsure if it will be worth it.
So why am I willing to wait? To drive myself crazy over a man? Normally I would be the first to say don’t get wound up over a guy. I was single for a long time because I did not feel the need for one in my life. And yet here I am, obsessed with this guy. I want to spend more time with him and get to know him better. What he thinks of me matters. He stood out right from our first chat.
It makes no sense to me. My logical, engineering brain cannot process the idea that I feel such a strong connection to someone I have spent so little time with. Right from the start our conversation flowed naturally and easily. It was not long before I had a big smile on my face and wanted more. It is not that he ticked more boxed or better fitted the criteria. It is more a case of what boxes, what criteria? He’s interesting, he’s funny and he makes me smile.
There is of course the question that if he feels the same, why hasn’t he found the time for a second date? And yet, he was the one who mentioned something longer term when I was still thinking in terms of crazy rebound fling. He did somewhat hopefully suggest the possibility of a date a while back, 3 days later he was in China. He told me he needed a holiday and we joked about bunking off work. When you are on the outside of a relationship you never hear about the little things. Those tiny details that sometimes matter the most. Like when I tease him because he does exactly what his kids want. Or him telling be not to text and drive because I replied ‘Driving’ to one of his messages. Or him making a point of telling me to drive safely because the weather was bad. Or the almost presumptuous way he said ‘we can do that’ when I expressed interest in something friends were doing.
It seems like a crazy place to be. I find myself drawn to this guy and I can’t really say why. I am willing to believe what he says and trust that he is worth it.
So over the course of the week I have gone from being excited because Import-export guy says he finally has time to meet, to I’m gonna have to dump him and then back to yay he is making plans to meet.
Since we talked he is definitely making more of an effort. Sometimes there may only be a brief exchange of messages but there have been very few occasions where I needed to start the conversation. Then finally last Friday he says he has two free evenings, he wants to meet up. Doh, it’s the week I’m out of town on business. Instead he suggested he may be able to join me, he has an office there. Then for the rest of the week nothing on the topic.
On Wednesday I had trouble sleeping. I could not switch off and I started to worry because I had not heard anything from him about the meeting in Durban, I also convinced myself there would be no birthday celebration. Nothing, I’m sure to do with a late coffee after a not so enjoyable evening. Thursday night I managed to get an early night but woke early. This time convinced that Durban was not going to happen and that he was definitely going to forget my birthday. There I was at 5 am unable to sleep and writing you forgot my birthday, you’re dumped messages in my head. Then at 7:30 he messaged me. He was going away for the weekend and we chatted while he got ready to leave.
During this conversation he mentioned that he had been working on the Durban plan and would find out on Monday if it was possible. It seems I should have a little more faith in him. I guess if you can be a on a plane to China with less that 2 days notice you don’t need to recheck details for a local trip. Plus it was a similar story with trying to arrange the first date where he checked early in the week if his ex-wife could babysit but as she was busy he did not mention this to me.
Perhaps being let down earlier this year is affecting me more than I care to admit. I need to remember that Import-export guy is different. He may not feel the need to provide me with regular progress reports, he just gets on and does what he says he will.
This is the story of one of the guys I started chatting to while in London. He could be really sweet at times but there were other occasions where he was needy and creepy. He is from India so I think some of his weird questions and comments were down to cultural differences.
Take for instance the start to our conversation. He said “hi”, I ignored him because I was busy. Then later when I checked again for messages he had written “Ding dong is anyone home”. So I told him I hadn’t replied because I was busy. He apologised and we had a quick chat till the show I was about to watch started. Later he invited me to join him for coffee but I said I could not because I was meeting a friend for food. He said she could come too. For some strange reason he seemed to think we both came from Ireland. He then started taking, I think, too much interest in my friend. What is her name? What is her profession? Is she also using Badoo? How do I contact her? Seriously, you think I’m going to give a strange man a female friend’s contact details?
Each time he asked me something stupid or annoying then I ignored him and a while later he would respond with a more sensible question or comment. Mostly he was friendly and wanted me to know I had another friend in London. He seemed to think it was his responsibility to make me feel welcome and kept saying how I was welcome to visit. But then when I was at Heathrow he started asking for my number so that he could call and hear my voice. I don’t like talking on the phone at the best of time so a weird man while at the airport and a bit stressed was never going to happen.
Then after I got home he wanted to know when I would return to the UK. I explained that it was a long way and expensive so it would be a while before I returned. His response what that if my friend asked he was sure I would come. Like he knows anything about our friendship. Then more questions. What work does she do? Is she also South African? How do you know her? Is she living with family in London. Again, you think I’m going to discuss a female friend’s living arrangements with a strange man?
Eventually I decided that I’d had enough of a man who will flirt with me and then ask if my friend is seeing someone. So I just ignored his most recent messages.
After a sleepless night I sent him the following message: “I’m feeling really sad. Last night when you said I should get a life, that really hurt. I know you are really busy but I need you to know this”. Part of his response was: “No silly me cos I’m always busy with my kids”.
For a few minutes I did not know how to respond to that. It was not one of the possibilities going through my head at 3 am. A stupid typo! He’s done that before and I guess if I had been in a better place at the time then I would have recognised the possibility and said something. Eventually I went with: “I don’t know what to say now. I took it to mean you were jokingly suggesting I needed to get a life and got really upset.” Him: “I’m sorry u got upset I would never want to upset u.”
The conversation moved onto the fact that I probably responded badly because his messages had slowed and I was feeling insecure and stressed as a result. He said he felt sad when he didn’t hear from me and that I should message him if don’t hear from him. Which is fair. (There was the question of why I’m always waiting on him for messages.) Over the last few days we have had a few good chats. Which reminds me, if I don’t hear from him this evening I must send a nice emoticon before bed.
I’m feeling more optimistic that I have done for a few weeks. We faced our first real challenge, around communication, and I feel like we solved it in a positive and optimistic way. In the grand scheme of things this is a relatively minor issue but if we can deal with this there is hope we will cope when bigger problems arise.
I’m sure he didn’t mean to. It was a thoughtless, stupid comment. I have mentioned other insecurities about my life and his comment went right to the heart of that. Maybe I should have said something but it took a while for me to fully realise how much it hurt. I cried all the way home. I even turned away my sister’s youngest because I could not cope with having her or put on a brave face. I have done too much of that lately.
We were talking about our plans for the weekend. His is busy and mine is quiet. He suggested that rather than his being too busy that it was me that needed to get a life.
This is something that has been troubling me for a while and is one reason I get grumpy when my sister asks me to babysit. I hid behind online gaming for ages, then the relationship with Guy 0. I had hoped to find more time to focus on my sport this year but it is starting to look like the club is dying a death. I’m thinking of moving closer to work but that too brings some financial challenges and may not be enough. I thought perhaps online dating would help because it would provide an opportunity to get out and meet new people.
I can’t let this comment go. The thoughtless nature makes me wonder if he can ever really understand how tough the last few weeks have been. Perhaps I have been too quick to accept that he is just busy, while trying to hard to be supportive and understanding. There is something selfish about sending loads of messages when you are bored and have, time then stopping completely because you are busy. In fact the stop-start nature could well be a calculated and manipulative stunt.
I was thinking that when things have calmed down for him we would be able to discuss how the unpredictable nature of his messaging affects me so that we can find a better way. But this throwaway comments suggests that my friendly attempts to let him know that his lack of messaging bothers me are not working. Is he really stupid enough to think that his current pattern of messaging is OK?
I don’t think I can ignore this comment and wait patiently for the off-chance his work will get quieter. I just need to figure out how to approach this issue. I’m still hoping he is the man I think he is, in which case I want this to work. I guess that is another reason his comment hurts so much. Will need try and get him to understand how I’m feeling in an open an honest way. But I think that right now I will have a few drinks, some food, overindulge in something a bit naughty and then hopefully tomorrow I can figure out how to approach this.
Lol. So maybe I was in a bad mood yesterday. While not hearing from Import-Export guy was one reason it was not the only reason I was frustrated and angry yesterday. (Ssssh, we won’t mention that I’m turning 40 soon). So a brief update after yesterday’s blog I send him an ice-cream emoticon. Maybe 20 mins later he replied to ask how I am and that he is still crazy busy. I responded by saying I was missing hearing from him, understood he was busy and tried to make the point that a quick message to say he was crazy busy was much more appreciated than loads of messages during the day. He said that we would talk to day but I’m still waiting.
So now I’m back to the ongoing question of what to do about the situation. Our relationship so new and fragile that it is difficult to know what to do or what I should reasonably expect. I badly want to see him again and talk to him. But let’s just pause for a second. He is currently trying to make sure that product is produced, shipped and in the stores by Christmas. That is a huge task. Thinking back to project I co-ordinated recently, the frantic rush to finish my work and make sure everyone else was doing what I needed them to. I was so stressed I ended up with these funny dry patches of skin. You can think about much more than getting the project done with less urgent things being put off.
Perhaps I am getting too caught up with overanalysing and my own insecurities. I like this guy and I’m sure he likes me. He is probably so busy he can’t think about anything else right now. I don’t want to be one of these neurotic woman making unreasonable demands till things crumble. Although this does need to be balanced against being valued and respected. I want to be a source of joy and not stress. Plus there is the other question of why do I keep waiting for him to message me?
So for now I need to be patient and trust that it will be worth it. Now what emoticon should I send today?
It is a week since Import-export guy returned from China and right now I am seriously considering dumping him and resuming the search. The idea fills me with immense sadness but I need to be realistic about how this is going. In my last post I wrote about how good I was starting to feel. And now a week later I am back to the nervous, irritable person who keeps checking her phone for messages. Nothing yesterday and starting to look like there will be nothing again today. When I start thinking ‘dammit only a message from my sister’ I seriously need to consider where my head is.
The other challenge right now is that we met online and have so far managed only one date. This means I cannot help thinking that he might be lying to me or playing some other questionable manipulative game. Last week he simply announced that he was back, then happily resumed messaging including asking if I had missed him. I realised afterwards that I was surprisingly relieved, probably because I had been trying hard to convince myself he was just busy. Most of the time I would say I believe him but for some reason today I’m struggling with that.
Assuming he is being honest with me then this relationship has a lot of potential (lol, no irony or contradiction intended). Ironically at the start it was me thinking in a more short term way. I enjoyed chatting to him and that was enough (One reason his silence is so difficult for me). He was the one that got me thinking about the long term and wanting more. Then on Monday he was talking about needing a holiday and that we should have a weekend away (right now I’d settle for a dinner date). He also said something else that I think is really nice. Taken out of context it sounds a little creepy though. We were trading a few naughty messages and unprompted he added that he wanted all of me, personality and mind too.
I think the real issue right now is communication. The whole time he was in China I was concerned that he might not have found time to let me know he was going. The reason for this is that after nearly 2 days of silence I sent him a kissy emoji (I did consider a sad face). He replied fairly quickly to say he was really busy and there was a last minute trip to China the following day. Of course I spent the whole week thinking: ‘What if I hadn’t sent the emoji’, ‘What if I had decided to wait another day’. So when the conversation allowed I mentioned this concern. Response: “But I told you I was going”. I guess you can’t fault male logic.
I can’t help smiling at the idea of sending him a message saying: ‘no messages for two days, not good enough, it’s over’. Seriously though dumping someone when they are clearly very busy because they can’t find much time for me seems a bit extreme and shitty. Especially as I’m sure he does not know how I’m feeling right now. Realistically I need him to know that I need him to check in at least once per day. I know he is busy and work is important. All I’m asking for is a single message or an emoticon. I have always valued his short, I’m busy, messages much more than days of complements and flirting. Now to do something about letting him know in a confident and assertive way.