It is six months since I started this blog and a lot has happened in that time. I signed up for online dating and then started this blog as a way to get over Guy 0. I signed up for the online dating partly because I knew he disapproved of online and started the blogging as a way to share the funny stories of the crazy people I met. While there have been funny stories the blog became a useful way to work through the situation with Import-export guy. Given that I’m in the process of moving on from him it is another reason a review is timely.
These days I have been feeling really positive and starting to focus on the future and what I want from life. In a funny kind of way I think both these guys helped with that. Looking back I think after my Dad died I went into survival mode. Focused on helping Mom, then finishing my studies, then settling back in South Africa. Guy 0 came along at just as I was starting to think about the future and what I wanted from life. So I benefited from this relationship because it got me back in the dating game and he did provide great support during a time when my sister was driving me mental due to building work.
Import-export guy came along just after I returned to South Africa from a holiday in the UK. After being away for a while it is always difficult to get back into the routine of work. Plus I had the additional challenges of worrying about the removal of my wisdom tooth and trying to get over Guy 0. Talking to Import-Export guy brightened up each day and gave me hope. We had a lot of fun and I enjoyed getting to know him. So this relationship was good for me because it helped me get through a difficult time then start to figure out what I actually wanted from this round of dating and what I need to do to get it.
All the experts say that you are not supposed to start dating, especially internet dating when your confidence is low. So there is a certain irony in the fact that I have used internet dating to restore mine. Perhaps that is more down to this blog providing a means to work through my feelings. I used to scribble these things on paper but it is not the same as a blog. For me at least there is a process to organising my thoughts into a post that others can follow. I need to consider how much I am willing to share. Particularly with more recent posts, knowing these posts will go public has made me focus on the positive aspects of each situation. I was surprised at the time how much using the “Open letter” post (https://romanticadventuresblog.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/an-open-letter-to-the-ex/) to vent my anger helped me to feel better. This blog also helped me to organise my thoughts and decide on a plan of action such as my “next adventure” post (https://romanticadventuresblog.wordpress.com/2017/09/25/preparing-for-the-next-adventure/). Hopefully you found some of my posts interesting and amusing such as my “Daddy Hunt” post (https://romanticadventuresblog.wordpress.com/2017/07/09/daddyhunt/).
I like my blog. I like being able to look back and see how much things have changed for me this year. I like being reminded of some of the funnier things that happened and the interesting people I have met along the way. I’m excited because tonight I have a date. The more I get to know this guy the more I like him. I plan to take things slow. There is another guy I also like and some other interesting possibilities. Life is looking good.
Last night I finally joined Elite Singles. It seems to have had a magic effect.
I noticed this morning that my last message to Import-export guy now has two blue ticks. Now I am confident nothing bad has happened. I’m sure if it was a relative accessing his phone they would have messaged me by now. While the fact that he hasn’t messaged me is a useful reminder of how low I am on his list of priorities. Surprising how much closure I can get from two blue ticks.
The really magic part is that three guys asked me out. Two within an hour of me joining Elite Singles, hence the magic, as none of them are from Elite Singles. The first one messaged me just after 10 pm wanting to know if I was available that evening. I pointed out that it was rather late and I was going to bed soon. I suggested we meet earlier on another day. He was not interested. Gee I wonder what he was after.
I have been chatting for a while to the second guy who asked me out. It had reached a point where I was starting to wonder if he would ever ask me out and if it was time to end the conversation. But I enjoyed chatting to him and it was not causing me any problems. So when he finally asked I was glad i did not do anything too hasty.
I only started chatting to the third guy a few days ago. He seemed very excited when we first matched. Then a few days later he messaged to say he had been on a date with this girl and he wanted to give her a chance. I thanked him for letting me know and pointed out that realistically I had assumed he was chatting to and might even date a few women. I said he was welcome to contact me at a later date. He messaged a few days later because the other lady had gone quiet. On reflection he decided I made a good point that at the early stages it was quite reasonable to chat with more than one person.
We haven’t confirmed the details for either date yet but things are moving in the right direction. It is unlikely that either of these is “the one” but it will be interesting to get out and meet some new people.
This poor guy tried to start a conversation with me at completely the wrong time this morning. It started well but then he started trying to be a bit flirty and naughty. Actually it was the same sort of light-hearted banter that attracted me to Import-export guy in the first place. I get bored of: Where are you from? What do you do? Are you single? Do you have kids?. So I said I suggested we chat later and he made the mistake of asking if I was in a bad mood. So I explained I was going through some relationship crap which I had hoped to resolve today so that I could move on with my life. I suggested I should go because otherwise I would end up having a rant. But he was very sympathetic so I explained that I was worried that something bad might have happened to a guy I like.
He caught me just at the point where I was starting to stress because I had not heard from Import-export guy. There is still a single tick next to my last message so he might not even have turned on the phone for nearly three weeks. So I was going through a phase of what if something bad really has happened?
At some point the poor fella asked if I really thought something bad had happened. So I said that no it is much more likely that he has taken the kids on holiday and not bothered to tell me. The problem with today his that the kids are back at school. So surely if this was the reason he would have checked his phone by now. About this point I figured I had scared him off and went to get some hot chocolate. Surprisingly he reappeared a bit later and we had a nice chat.
The biggest challenge with Import-export guy’s disappearing act is the not knowing. I was starting to feel a little guilty that I had not done more to check if he is OK. Honestly though, it would not make a huge difference. It’s not like I would go and visit him in hospital unless he asked me to. And well for anything worse it would just mean I do not think so harshly of him. After all I made the decision that I could and should see other people before he disappeared. I tried to do a search for him or any news on the internet. In short there is nothing but it is an absence that proves nothing. It is a sad reflection of our relationship that I don’t even know the name of his company. Certainly there is no sign of any company doing the sort of work he told me about. To find out more I would need to pick up the phone and do a whole lot more work. I’m not sure there is much point.
In the absence of any information I need to make up my own story. Using ghosting to explain his silence does not work for me. I think in a conventional Ghosting situation he would continue to use his phone, Badoo and WhatsApp. He might even have got as far as reading my message just not replied. One possibility is that he is married. His profile says divorced but he could have lied or remarried. I have always been aware that this would explain a lot. So I have decided that the reason for his silence is that his wife found out he was chasing other women and confiscated his phone. The added bonus that the idea of a grown man having his phone confiscated makes me smile. Just a pity that the other poor fella doesn’t want anything serious because I kinda like him.
If I’m going to do this online dating properly then I need to sort out my profile to give me the best possible chance of attracting the right sort of guy. In one of the earlier versions of my Badoo profile I made the mistake of saying I was looking for fun. I suppose it should have come as no surprise that a lot of guys took this to mean that I was looking for one specific type of fun. One guy did offer to fulfil my inner Venus with the most electrifying passion and hunger.
It seems to be a good time to update my profile. I certainly can’t eliminate all the crazies in this way because a lot don’t care about the profile text. One guy insisted on spamming me. Probably because did not respond when he said “hi”. I checked my phone a few minutes later to find that I had 25 messages with variations of “xxx”. Of course there is a block function.
But how to avoid meaningless clichés like I want someone funny and clever? I got some inspiration while reading another profile where the guy promised he would kill spiders and cockroaches. This gave me the idea for the following opening line “WANTED: Someone to remove spiders and cockroaches”.
The next challenge is how to say that I’m looking for someone who is not stupid or incredibly poor. This may sound snobby but we need to be able to spend time together. For example a guy who is unemployed with high school education send me the following message: “What is Your Taste in Music Who is Your Favourite Musicians? What are your Taste in Movies and TV Series and name a few of Your favourite Movies and Series?” For me the content and repetitive nature was very irritating. It made me feel like I was back in high school. I think he was actually a very nice guy and good with kids but there is no way it would work for me.
So if one starts with the joke about spiders it is easy to suggest in the next line that a good job and qualifications would also be advantageous. Hopefully by doing this I don’t sound too arrogant or pretentious. Especially when the only thing I offer in return is to laugh at their bad jokes.
One of the guys I’m friendly with did say that the most important element is to make sure you sound like a positive and happy person but not to worry too much about the details. This makes sense because you can only really figure out a personality and other things once you starting getting to know a person. Still it does help me to feel more confident and optimistic about this dating thing now that I have a profile that I like and I think is a good reflection of me.
Nearly 2 weeks and still nothing from Import-export guy. My last message still has a single tick. I had hoped I would have heard from him by now. In the absence of any other information I had assumed that he was away with his kids because it was school holidays and that today they would be back at school. But the truth is I have no idea what is going on.
What if something bad has happened? Having said that, the most likely explanation is that he is out of the country for business (or pleasure) and did make time to let me know what was happening. No doubt he meant to, perhaps he even thinks he did. I can only know for sure if he messages me.
Today’s message would be: “Have I been ghosted?” I have no intention of actually sending it. After the attempted dumping I decided I would wait for him to contact me. Also I want to know what he has to say for himself without any clues based on messages from me.
Of course if I send this message one could argue I have changed the terms of the relationship. At the moment we could best be described as something that might be moving towards an exclusive relationship. Certainly before his disappearing act there were some very nice messages and a suggestion that he was getting seriously fed up of all the rushing around. In this case I would say that while it is fine to date more than one guy it should be done in a way that is respectful of all guys I’m dating. If I take his silence to mean I’ve been ghosted it effectively means that relationship is over and there is no see to consider his thoughts or feelings.
It seems a bit soon to take this extreme view. He can’t be checking his phone for any messages. i still can’t get my head round that idea. I think this is why ghosting is such a cruel stunt. Initially a clean break it may be more painful and it does take more courage but it means both parties can start the process of moving on. With ghosting there are so many doubts. Should I wait one more day? Maybe his phone got stolen. Maybe he is just busy. Maybe there is another good explanation? This makes is so much more difficult to move on.
I guess I can give him a few more days. Lol. It won’t make much difference to my plans.
Since I started getting back into dating I have had a few invites for coffee. Most of these freaked me out and I found myself frantically thinking of excuses why I could not go. I started wondering if I really was being difficult and too fussy. That I didn’t really know what I wanted. To be fair one of the guys wanting to get together only wants sex. One of the other guys when asked about a potential girlfriend said she “just needs to be a swtypie”. I’m not sure I see myself as “just a swtypie”.
With one of the others I was not really sure of him from the start but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was very quick to ask to move to WhatsApp and I explained why I was not keen (really must investigate the burner app option). He then tried to convince me to change his mind. I felt like there an underlying tone of: my view is superior to yours so you should do what I want. This was not helped by the fact that when I mentioned that I had been in a long distance relationship his response was that long distance relationships never work. With no other information I felt this was a rather arrogant and thoughtless statement. So when he asked a second time for my number I decided to ignore him. I thought for a while that was it, but then he reappeared a day later. He was keen to meet for coffee. I suggested we get to know each other better first. This ended up being me asking him a series of questions because he was not able to turn this into an interesting conversation. Then finally on Sunday he mentioned that he had been to church. I’m willing to respect other people’s views and I want someone who will respect my religious choices. So asked how important church was to him. Vital it seems. He ‘kindly’ offered to discuss my views and I declined.
I was starting to thing I wasn’t really ready to get back into this dating thing. Then on Monday I finally got chatting to a nice guy. He has not yet asked me out for coffee but finally someone I would probably say yes to. He works long hours during the week and is busy during the weekend. Doh, another busy fella. In the meantime I have chatted to a few more guys who seem nice and from whom I would accept a coffee invite. None yet but it is early days.
It has been 6 days since I last heard from Import-Export guy. Also 6 days since he last checked his messages on WhatsApp – I’m not sure what this means. I have made allowances for the fact that work is still busy, I think his kids are now on holiday and it has been a long weekend. Perhaps they went away for a few days. After he has been told that I feel neglected and that he is not that committed it is too long to go without a single message or letting me know he would be offline for a few days. Right now the only acceptable reasons I can think of for such a long silence are that he is dead or at least unconscious in hospital.
Today is the start of the working week so I thought there might be something. A brief apologetic message. Something. The schools are off for a week. Does that mean I have to wait another week to hear from him? Right now I am so angry I want to leave the follow message:
“You selfish, fucking bastard. Why couldn’t you be honest and accept you don’t have the time to make this work. Why couldn’t you just let me say goodbye and let me move on with my life? It would have hurt but it would have been a lot kinder”
Today at least I will use this blog as the place to vent my anger. Anger is good. It is a vital part of the process for moving on.
I have made some progress over the weekend with investigating alternatives. There might even be someone I want to meet to for coffee (the topic of my next blog). So far I have held back a bit with being too flirty or doing anything that I feel might jeopardise what I have with Import-export guy. Stupid me. Still going slow is a good thing for building the sort of relationship I want. I saw a few interesting options on Elite Singles that I’m eager to contact. I do need to give them money to be able to do so. I need to do a little research and then maybe be I will go for it.
Ok rant over. Starting to feel better.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone with the language but it fitted with the mood I was in earlier today.