Import-export guy has been in China for business for the last week so I have not heard from him for a while. He has not even read my “Safe Trip” message. Ironically this has been good for me. I needed time to relax and reflect on recent events.
But first a story which might provide some insights. This is about a boy I dated many years ago while still in high school. It might seem strange I mention someone from that far back but I met him through my sister and he is still a friend of the family. Mostly I agreed to go out with him because he asked me. He is a nice guy and I had enjoyed some of the conversations we had, so it seemed like a good idea. I remember one time we kissed and he thought it was amazing, I let him continue out of curiosity but frankly, I was bored. Then I spent a few days away from home learning more about career opportunities in engineering and decided that I would prefer being free and single, so I ended it. It is only now that I see how his life has developed and the woman he married that I understand why I felt suffocated. She is a qualified nursery nurse while I have a PhD in Engineering. She was terribly proud to have a husband to support her so she did not have to work while I have been called stubbornly independent. She shares those very proud mum and wife posts on facebook that have me reaching for a bucket. The idea of living such a conventional life fills me with horror.
I’m not sure exactly how or why but during this week I have been reminded of that person who can enjoy life without a man. After the break-up I was on a mission to replace Guy 0, which has mostly involved random chats, mostly with questionable men and which inspired this blog. Import-export guy came into my life shortly after I returned to South Africa. At a time when I was trying to get back into work and worrying about the removal of my wisdom teeth he brightened each day. I wrote the “Open Letter” post shortly after his messages slowed. This post really did help me to express my anger and move on. Then this week I accepted there would be no messages, focused on work without Import-export guy to brighten each day and finally finished something I’ve been working on for a year. In doing so I rediscovered confident, happy me who does not need a man (although it will be nice to have one).
Today marks 8 weeks since I started talking to Import-Export guy and things are moving so slowly. So far still just the one date. It seems this is a busy time of year for his work and it is also school holidays. So now is starting to feel like a test of my patience and commitment.
Over the last week or two the messages have slowed dramatically because he is so busy. Take Friday for example. Him: ‘Crazy busy today. Will message when I can.’ Me: ‘Hoping you can find time’. Him: ‘Me too’. Let’s be clear I believe him when he says he is busy. The frustrating thing is that I miss hearing from him and it means there is time for doubts to start creeping in. I start to consider if there is really a place for me in his life. Will I have to accept him finding the odd bit of time when he can? Do I want to? Rather ironic from the person who was initially scared to meet (the wisdom teeth op got me more time), was happy single because that way I can do what I want and have even been known to dump guys because I feel suffocated.
I heard nothing from him all weekend but he does seem to go completely offline when is with is kids, which is how it should be. Still, how long does it take to say hi? On Monday morning he messaged to say it had been a crazy weekend with the kids. I told him I had missed hearing from him and the response was that he missed me too. Then later he messaged me to say that he was finally starting to get somewhere with work, the kids are back at school next week and things should be a bit calmer. He made it clear he too was looking forward to meeting again.
In fact he has already said he thinks may this may have long term potential. Only 8 weeks and getting through a day without hearing from him is tough and I can’t wait to see him again. I even find I work better when I hear from him regularly during the day. So it seems for now I need to be patient and trust that once he gets past this busy patch things will improve. With time I’m sure we will get better at finding times to meet and ways to communicate when he is busy.
I recently found out that there is a dating app called “DaddyHunt”? Second Favourite Guy (see 14 June) has been telling me about it and if you think it sounds disturbing then you are on the right track.
It seems that Second Favourite Guy has moved on from well hung muscle men at the gym. He took a friend’s advice and downloaded some gay dating apps. As the name suggests this app allows young men to look for older men to act as their “Daddy” in questionable incestuous sexual role play. I had never stopped to consider that such a fetish may exist and that there is sufficient interest for online communities. (I’m assuming all users of the app are consenting adults.) He has already had a few encounters and thoughts of how bad such behaviour is, is really turning him on. The first guy he found to role play as “Daddy” was about 35 years older than him.
The conversation then moved onto next time he goes home. He was considering how the word “Daddy” now has a completely different meaning to him and he was going to have to avoid using it. Anyway he did actually go and stay with his Dad recently. While he was looking for something in his Dad’s room, he found a box of sex toys. I should probably add that his parents have been divorced for, I think 20 yrs. He did not explain properly, right away, but yes, he used one of his Dad’s dildos and loved it. He even shared this information on “DaddyHunt” is seems all the Daddy’s loved it and thought that was really hot. OMG.
It seems like every time I talk to Second Favourite Guy the story has got more disturbing as he comes to terms with his sexuality and starts exploring his newly discovered fetishes. As an observer I continue to find his story very entertaining and in some ways it is interesting to see how people get into weird sexual fetishes. At the same time I can’t help feeling scared that the next instalment will be even more disturbing.
The abrupt way you ended things mean that there are still so many things I never got the chance to say. Now with a new guy on the scene part of me really wants to gloat and say how amazing it is.
Your initial message was so short and unclear, probably the reason I was in denial longer than I should have been. For ages I hoped there had been a terrible misunderstanding especially because you tried to say good night as usual. Did you really think you could tell me you had met someone else and things would continue more or less as before? “Hooked up” generally means something a lot less serious and given the distance between us I may have forgiven the odd transgression. But you ignored my message the following day to try and clarify things. It took you 5 days to say “I’m Sorry” and then only because I told you I was leaving the game (I met Guy 0 through online gaming). I never replied because I did not know what to say. Did you think I was bluffing? OK, I was kinda hoping you would try and convince me to stay.
I still have so many unanswered questions: Who is she? How did you meet? Why did you choose her? But most important of all: Why were you even looking at another woman so close to my visit? You said you were happy to wait, you were counting down the weeks and even procrastinating with a job interview. You encouraged me to come earlier and offered to pay half for the tickets. Perhaps me ignoring your questions about the money damaged things in your mind. Maybe I should have explained that I was not sure about taking your money and I was busy trying to sort my UK bank account. Perhaps I should have taken your money. I would only have used it for expenses while I was in the UK and you would have had to bear some of the financial burden of my visit. But I did not want a financial transaction to complicate things between us.
It hurts when I think that while I was busy making last minute arrangements for the trip you were with the new woman. You said you hooked up a couple of says before but I don’t believe you. You were weird and distant for at least a week, possibly two. With hindsight I’m sure that it why you asked a few strange questions and distracted me when I asked about the trains. Instead you made me ask again, by which point I was seriously starting to worry. Why couldn’t you tell me sooner? It would have given me more time make alternative arrangements and come to terms with what was happening. With two days notice my suitcase was half packed and I had to rethink what to bring. You knew I had started packing because I tried to tell you the funny story about cleaning off my dressing table. Seriously were you with your new girlfriend while I was organising what make-up to bring so i could look nice for you? And again while I was getting my legs waxed?
It saddens me to think of the in-game friends (and money) I have lost along the way first by following you to a new server – ok maybe it’s not so simple with this move – and more importantly when I had to leave the new server. No idea what you really think of that move but I could not bear to watch you happy and wonder about the other woman. It was particularly hurtful when I visited a few weeks later and when I shared something you spoke only to the guy was helping. Not a single word to me. I’m not sure I miss the game, I realise now that it took far too much of my time but I would have preferred to choose the timing of my departure.
How is it that with all this anger and betrayal that I can still think fondly of you? We had some good times and for a while you were very supportive. I sometimes think of how things might have been and I’m curious to meet you in person. Perhaps the end of this relationship was a good thing, you showed me a side to you I really don’t like. You made promises you could not be sure of keeping, you treated me with disrespect and you betrayed my trust. These thoughts and feelings have been in my head for weeks. I kept hoping for a chance to say them to you and maybe have some petty vengeance. That is unlikely to happen so I hope that by writing them down and sharing this letter I will finally be able to banish them and the feelings of anger so that I can move on with my life.
Well Import-export guy is out of town on business this week. So frustrating when we both want to meet again but it is not possible. He has mentioned the possibility of this weekend which should be interesting because usually he is really busy on weekends with his kids and other commitments. Last night he even messaged me for a quick chat after his meal with clients. Normally I don’t hear much from him in the evening because he is too busy being superdad.
So I will entertain you with a story of someone else I was chatting to before Import-exportguy came along. Writing this now I am surprised I let the conversation go as far as it did. The conversation had not gone on for long when he started asking about things we could do on our first date, I do of course mean of a sexual nature. A little bit more flirting and it became apparent that what he was proposing involved the back of a car because we could not go back to his place. I’m getting a bit old for that sort of thing. Then he reveals that he does not like condoms and has no intention of using them. Aside from all the other considerations is the lack of respect for me that suggests. Especially when he then asks if I mind if he gets me pregnant. Yes, yes I do. Oh but he really likes the idea of a little one running around and we could get a place together. Too much, too soon?
Well I head a really nice date a few nights ago with my current favourite guy, lets call him Import-Export Guy. We had dinner, we talked and we kissed. We are planning to meet again but he is away next week on business. I can’t wait to see him again.
It may surprise some who know me that this blogging journey started with a wish. The day after I arrived in the UK and 5 days after Guy 0 ended things I went with some family to a botanical gardens. Near the end of the day we came across a wishing well and while my cousins made their wishes I stopped to think what I would wish for. The first idea was of course to get Guy 0 back but then I stopped to consider if that was really what I wanted. Oh yes I missed him. Before Guy 0 I was single for a long time and being with him had given me new outlook on life. I enjoyed being someone’s girlfriend and having someone to care about that. I still wanted that but probably not with him. So my next thought was to wish for another boyfriend. But that did not feel right either. I did not know what sort of boyfriend and I guess I was not that ready to let go of Guy 0. So instead I wished for something positive to come out of this break-up.
It was amazing the difference such an idea made for me. I immediately started feeling more positive and thinking about what that ‘something positive’ should be. It was not long before I decided to try online dating and had download “Badoo”. Those first few conversations were crazy and messed up. I guess reflecting where I was at the time. That in turn inspired me to start this blog and now I am also enjoying reading about other peoples experiences.
Now it seems I have found someone new. It might not last but right now I’m enjoying being him and having fun. So I like to think that my wish really has come true.
2 sleeps until the much awaited date. I’m slightly bemused by the fact that he is counting the number of sleeps. I would even go so far as to say he is more excited than me. We are spending more and more time talking on the phone and WhatsApp. Even on the weekends when he is really busy he manages to make a bit of time to talk. He spent most of today trying to convince me that I should wear a coat with nothing underneath for our date. At one point I was starting to think that maybe I had made a horrible error in judgement and would have to cancel. But then he said something that reassured me and mostly it was fun and flirtatious. Then this evening when he phoned me he told me he was deliberately teasing me all day. Which made me smile.
But yet I still find that I am very anxious about this meeting. It almost seems too good to be true. Surely something has to go wrong. Has there been too much hype and build-up? Our getting together seems almost too easy. Is it too much to hope that someone good will come along this soon? When we talked tonight it seems like we agree on so many things.
Perhaps my feelings are clouded by recent attempts that did not go well. Guy 0 who let me down in a spectacular way, attempt 2 guy (see “Arranging that first meeting”) which was just a mess and then another guy who I have not mentioned. We had some good chats but when we met in person I found I was not that interested. I even made a second crazy journey to be sure. Perhaps the memories of extracting myself from awkward situations is too fresh and too recent.
So right now I am feeling excited about this first date. But at the same time I keep trying to remind myself that things might not work out. Perhaps that’s why I’m still chatting with other guys on Badoo, even though none of them compare. I think I just need to to for it and enjoy the anticipation and well if things don’t work out well that is life.