A day after my post about Artisan guy, discussing challenges around organizing a coffee date he started messaging me again. We traded messages for a few days. Then on the Saturday he asked if I had an old phone that he could buy from me. He wanted it for his son. I had an old one that did not work very well but he seemed to think that he could fix it.
He joked that we would finally have to meet. He seemed to have some idea that it was me avoiding meeting. But yet he also admitted he did not like coffee and had clearly taken my insistence on coffee very literally. Lol, other drinks would have been available. He also told me some rather personal things and left a bunch of voice notes of him singing along to music he liked, which made me wonder about how many drinks he’d had. Initially we tried to make a plan for Saturday evening but by the time we got to this point it was getting rather late and the earliest he could manage was 9:30 pm. Which I felt was way too late. I decided it would be better to make a plan for the following day.
The following day I heard nothing from him. I had another date planned so I did not really want to meet. On the Monday I noticed that his profile picture had disappeared from WhatsApp. I started planning another rant about his wierdness. Then on Wednesday he left me a message on Facebook asking for my number. He does have terrible luck with phones. In the end we arranged to meet on Friday evening. I had a really nice evening. He seems like a nice guy with lots of character and personality. I would like to see him again.
Nonetheless I do have concerns. I know he is looking for someone for the rest of his life but the idea scares me. I suspect it is because we want different things, so I can’t see a long term future for us. The issues with his phones and elements of his communication suggest he is not that reliable. But my biggest concern is about what happened on Saturday night, which is part of why he lost his most recent phone. He had a fight with his adult son which resulted in the son laying charges. I don’t know exactly what happened or how bad it was. He seems rather upset that his son felt the need to lay charges. The way he told the story, it sounds reasonable he got upset. Yet, the more I think about it, the more it worries me.
For now I think I will go with the flow, try not to over analyze the situation and see what happens next. He has many good qualities, I’m just not sure if he is the man for me.
I first came across this guy on Tinder late November. From the start he was very funny and flirtatious so we started chatting on WhatsApp. He kept me very amused for 4 days and then went quiet. I figured he gave up when he realized that I would not be meeting him on the Saturday afternoon, just for sex. So I didn’t stress too much.
Then a few days before I deleted POF he showed up there, and messaged to say hi. I told him that I was going to delete POF and we moved back to WhatsApp. I was slightly bemused and made a mental note to ask why he disappeared in November. Of course it did not take long for him to ask when we were getting together so I pointed out that I was looking for a proper relationship. He said he wanted that too.
We chatted some more and eventually a coffee date was arranged for Sunday. He asked me to suggest a place and even sent a nice message saying that he did not care where, he just wanted to meet. He has a very intense, no nonsense attitude that I find intimating and after a while I noticed that he had tattoos on his arms. It is fair to say, that if I had encountered him in a bar a few years ago I would have run the other way. Having said that, as the time passed I found myself warming to him. He was funny and confident. I made a point of texting him later to say that I had fun.
So I was not terribly pleased when the following day he asked me how I felt about fwb (friends with benefits). I was not quite sure what to say. No and that would probably be the end. Even if I said yes, would that ever lead to the sort of relationship I want? In the end I went with ‘Probably not. It depends what you have in mind’. A discussion about relationships followed. As the conversation neared an end, I paused briefly to consider expanding on a point and when I picked up the phone again I realized that his profile picture had disappeared. He had deleted me!
I fumed in the car all the way to the restaurant where I was meeting family. By the time I got there I decided I would indulge in a rant. I felt he owed me a better explanation and a good bye. Why invite me out for coffee, after I made it clear that I wanted a relationship, then propose fwb? A little later he left a voice message saying he meeting was not a waste of time, he had enjoyed meeting me, he wanted a relationship but there was no spark and in some ways we wanted different things. I got home to find a message wishing me all the best so I responded in kind. In some ways that thoughtful ending was the most painful part of the experience.
I’m feeling kinda sad today. I was hoping we could take things further. But I’m glad I’m stood my ground and stayed focused on what I needed. Otherwise this would have turned into a variation of the Import-export guy theme. I like him and we have a lots of fun but I’m not getting what I need from the relationship. Such a situation will end badly and mean I face a bigger struggle to move on and find the person that is right for me.
I’m glad I indulged in the rant. I have a better understanding of what happened which means I can think of this guy and situation in a more positive way. Even thought it did not change the outcome. Now there is one less dating distraction from Anti-Valentines month.
Last night I responded to a post titled ‘Moderating my psycho’. I was trying to suggest the author might benefit from focusing on being happy single and this got me thinking about how well this advice applied to me right now. So many things I could say about my recent experiences that I was struggling to keep it short and relevant. At the same time and idea was starting to take shape in my head. Seeing all the Valentine’s displays in the shops is depressing this year, particularly as I’m feeling the need to take a break from online dating. I like the irony of making February Anti-Valentines month and hiding my dating profiles.
Instead I could use the time to focus on me. I have mentioned before that I am feeling the need for more changes in my life, so February could be the month I focus on that. I took some books out of the library before Christmas but I never found time to read them and eventually took them back unread. I used to read a lot and I am starting to feel the need for a good book.
Regardless, it looks like the next few months are going to be busy. There are a lot of birthdays in February. I decided to sign up for another year of volunteer mentoring. I have also found a nice pilates class and I am really getting into it. Interestingly a friend from school is also in the class and we had a nice chat a few weeks back. Next time I get a chance, I will suggest that we go for a drink and a proper catch up.
Ironically some of these changes are driven by my experiences with Guy 0, Import-export guy and online dating generally. Thinking about a future with one of these guys let me to accept that I was not happy with my life. In doing so I started to think about what I needed to do, to change things. With this mindset I did something really crazy and scary for me. I signed up for a ballroom dance competition. I know I am going to hate some of the attention but better than missing this opportunity, then secretly regretting it. So far everyone has been very supportive about the idea.
One thing I have enjoyed about online dating is getting to know new people and learning what they are doing with their lives. The Canadian lawyer, I met said something that resonates with me. So many people our age settle for jobs they dislike and are simply waiting for retirement. That idea scares me a lot more than taking a few risks. I can’t sit around waiting for retirement or a man to ‘rescue’ me from a boring life. If there is something I want from life then I should go for it.
So I like the irony of turning Valentines Day on it’s head and using February to focus on my life instead. Now what would be a good way to mark Anti-Valentines Day?
Some of the information I look for on profile is education level and type of work. While a good job and education is not absolutely essential, I figure a guy operating a till at the local supermarket is unlikely to hold my interest and attention. Nonetheless a guy working as an artisan fixing machinery managed to slip through the net. He recognized that I was more intelligent and that he need to make an effort to impress. Actually I think he might be underselling himself because it sounds like he really is very skilled at making and repairing machinery and has in the past been involved in some interesting projects.
While I say he has been making an effort we have been chatting since November and so far no date. We had a brief discussion about meeting for coffee in the week before Christmas and I suggested the Friday but looking back at the messages nothing was finalised. He mentioned a sore back a few times over the week and on Friday he decided he needed painkillers. Eventually he ended up at the hospital on Friday evening and he was given a cortisone injection for the pain. In some respects the messages were rather amusing first with him complaining that they didn’t need to do tests just give him the injection. Then the tone of the messages changed, clearly indicating he was under the influence of drugs. I had a good laugh knowing he would be embarrassed when he sobered up. So no coffee date.
The following Friday he suggested that we should meet for coffee and we made plans for the Saturday. I was tired and suggested that we finalise the details the following day. I should add, that by this point I was keen to meet this guy. He has a weird and wacky sense of humor showing there is more a person than their education and job. I was trying to decide if I was just flattered by the attention or if this thing had any long term potential. I figured I should make an effort to meet this guy to get a better sense of where things might go. There were no messages from him on Saturday morning. Eventually about lunchtime I forwarded him a joke. He responded to say he was out with some younger friends. Being the sensible ‘adult’. So no coffee date.
The following week he went a bit weird. He became obsessed with wanting to come over to my house rather late in the evening. I said no. He even left me a message complaining about how little trust people had. Erm we met online I think it I’m allowed to be cautious. Still no coffee date.
He then went completely silent. I considered messaging him but given his rather disturbing requests to visit I decided not. Then I saw a post on Facebook saying he was having trouble with his phone and would be offline for a while. A few weeks later I heard from him again. It seems he had cracked the screen. He went back to being funny and charming. After a few days coffee was again mentioned but no attempt to fix a date. Knowing he is in the very early stages of working for himself I tentatively suggested that money might be tight. Under such circumstances I don’t mind paying for both coffees. He made it clear that was not a concern. Still no coffee date.
Now I seriously am wondering what this guy is after. Actually I have not heard from him since the last mention of coffee. He has some conservative values and is hoping to find someone for the rest of his life. He says very nice things about how he likes me. But he seems to flake at actually making plans to meet. Could he be scared to ask? Or is he another one just messing me around?
It is rather sad to think that my last date was at the beginning of December. I haven’t heard from Accountant guy since he suggested that we should meet again. I thought he would contact me a few days later to move things forward. Perhaps he is waiting for me to make a suggestion about what we could do. I’m not really sure. I thought about contacting him a few days ago but I don’t really know what to say. The longer the silence lasts, the more I think that this thing isn’t meant to be. That means messaging to say I don’t want to meet. Isn’t that implicit in the silence?
The first challenge is finding someone I consider interesting enough to message. Recognising that interracial dating has challenges severely limits my options. A census in 2011 put black Africans at 76%, while whites make up a mere 9% of the population in South Africa. Interestingly the guy from my post on interacial dating still wants to meet for coffee. More specifically he messaged to say he would be in town for about a week. That week is almost over and I still haven’t heard from him. I can’t say I am particularly upset because he is very good at annoying me, first by trying to tell me what to think, then expecting me to drop everything to talk to him.
An interesting follow up to the issue of interracial dating and culture. A black Frenchman I was talking to a few days ago has also found that black South Africans take themselves way too seriously.
There is also a challenge around keeping the conversation going. Over the Christmas period I had a few interesting conversations and was hoping things would go further. We have one or two nice conversations and then they go quiet. This seems to be particularly true of the guys on Tinder. I think perhaps I should revisit these conversations and see if there is anyone I would like to stay in touch with. Maybe I will drop them a message and see if they respond. Having said that I can’t help thinking that if they were really interested then the conversation would have continued.
It seems like it is always the same faces on Tinder and Badoo. Maybe with Valentine’s Day approaching some new people will join these sites. I have also been trying out a few new dating sites. Perhaps that will yield some new prospects.
The over the top claims of love typical of scammers gave me the idea for a new game to play with them. I mean seriously, I was chatting to this guy, who claimed to be Canadian and on holiday in Cape Town for two weeks. I responded by telling him in that case we could only be friends (After Guy 0 and Import-export guy I don’t want another text pal.). His response:
“I like this country my dear I can relocate because of you if really want and like me seriously”
Scammer Alert. I pointed out that it was too soon for such a decision but it seems he wanted to know where things were going and the response included this:
“Me am looking for serious relationship and if I don’t know your own mind either you like me to be your man or you can’t say anything right now maybe I still need to move forward to be searching”
An attempt to hook me by making me worry about losing him? He then went on to tell me a bit about himself part of which was:
“am the only child of my parents, my father from United state, taxes Jackson my mother from Canada Ontario Belleville I was born in Canada school and growed up a lot of my life in Canada”
Where do I start with the number of reasons this does not make sense? Playtime for me:
At the point I’m wondering if my plan was working. Maybe he did not understand what I was trying to do. Nonetheless I thought I would give it another try:
At this point he tried to call me and this was followed by: “Really”
I wonder if I will hear from him again.
If you do have concerns about a scammer then there are places you can go for help such as this website:ScamSurvivors.Com
On Sunday I spotted a cute guy on Tinder so I swiped right. The headline text suggested starting a conversation so I left a message asking what he would like to talk about. A few hours later the response was: “Sex”. I responded with a comment about me trying not to stereotype guys.
We managed a bit of normal conversation and then I got these messages: “Im hard now x” and “Very big”. I sent a lol and commented that he must be having fun. He asked me to join him. So I said that I don’t do one night stands or meaningless sex. I’m certainly not driving halfway across town because some random guy tells me he is hard, Lol. He then tried to convince me to move to WhatsApp so that he could send me a pic. Erm, no.
He asked a few personal questions so I tried to freak him out by asking how he felt about handcuffs. He responded by telling he about a threesome that he had enjoyed and wanted to know if I would like one.
Given the explicit nature of the conversation I was surprised to hear from this guy the following evening. He asked how I was doing and I thought briefly that he might want to apologise and start again. However I was not surprised to receive the following: “Horney lol” and then “Where would you like me to cum???”. So I told him that was not what I was on Tinder for.
He then told me about something that had happened to him over the weekend. Sounded like a rather stressful and difficult situation that might have had him acting a bit out of character. But after telling me this he offered to send me a ‘sexy pic’. He seems to think his dick is very pretty and that it is normal to look a bit. Well there is a time and a place for that but not in the case of a random stranger who is only really interested in how horney he is feeling.
I repeated the point that I was looking for something more meaningful. Looking back on the conversation I realised that he has not actually asked for my WhatsApp details again. But this is implicit in his attempts to convince me he has a very nice dick. He can’t send such pictures using Tinder. Seriously, I’m going to give you my contact details when you have made it clear that your primary objective is to send me dic pics and no doubt request pictures in return.